


Hell is Other People's Hearts

by Redonions



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Post CA:TWS, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-03-31 03:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3963016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redonions/pseuds/Redonions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha Romanoff is trying to find herself and realizes that she's not the only one. Sometimes moving forward means standing still. Takes place directly after Captain America: TWS. Fills in some blanks of what happened with the rest of the Avengers between then and Age of Ultron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dips into Natasha's time in the Red Room briefly and also the PTSD most of the other Avengers suffer from so warning.
> 
> The timeline for this fic is about a year.

Finding herself of course starts with her spending three weeks at Barton’s farm. Auntie Nat is just another persona sure, but it’s closer to the real thing than anything else she supposes. In small doses Natasha actually enjoys the slowness of the farm, the domesticity of it all. No ones more shocked than her.

Laura is of course thrilled, for more than the usual reason. Clint has been M.I.A since this whole debacle started, deep cover mission, and outside Natasha, Laura has no real way to find him now that the world believes Nick Fury is dead.

Nat finds an encrypted message from Clint in a matter of hours. One of their ‘backdoors’ so to speak that Laura hadn’t thought to check. She has a Master’s in Art with a minor in History. She’s not a spymaster, which is just one of the many things Clint loves about his wife, and Natasha admits she does too.

The message is short and to the point, which means Clint will save all his snark and sass until they’re face to face.

_Hotspot. Safe and in one piece. Coming home._

The in one piece part is a bit of a stretch.

“Who the hell did these stitches?” Natasha asks as Laura peels him out of his dirty shirt.

After a quick reunion and hug from their father, the blood on his shirt hidden by his jacket, Laura sends Cooper and Lila upstairs. Nat hears creaking so she knows at least one of them is listening at the top of the stairs. Probably Lila. Cooper knows better.

Laura sighs.

“Please tell me you did not try to do them yourself again?”

“I’m not that stupid,” Clint says. He chooses to ignore the look that passes between his wife and best friend. “Some sleep deprived veterinarian in Auckland.”

“New Zealand? Cooper’s gonna be mad you didn’t take any pictures of where they filmed _Lord of the Rings_ ,” Nat says.

“I was there two weeks,” Clint says and points her toward the disposable camera in his rucksack.

He has a tendency to lose or damage anything more expensive. Laura just rolls her eyes at the two dorks as she goes to get the industrial stocked first aid kit from the guest bathroom. She shoos Lila back to her room on the way.

Clint’s the only person Natasha knows that still buys film to be developed. Even Steve has a digital camera now. Laura’s the only person she knows that actually develops it herself.

 It was how she first learned about Laura and little Cooper. Lila is still been ‘baking’ as Clint put it. They are on their fifth long-range op together, not Budapest, when she finally brought up him buying the disposable cameras.

Natasha doesn’t really care but when he takes a picture of her one day she feels compelled to ask. Up until then Natasha is damn sure he isn’t interested in her _that_ way and is actually relieved she won’t have to shoot him down. She likes him alright, maybe would even screw him a couple of times if she needed to blow off steam.

But Clint would be the first person she’d actually slept with beyond the intel they could give her or how fast they could get her off. Plus she’s never had a friend and that’s how Barton presents himself. Not like the rest of SHIELD who were still wary of her and with every right to be.

“Laura’s heard so much about you she wants to know what you look like,” Clint tells her about the picture. He tries to be nonchalant about it but they both knew what a big deal him sharing his family is.

“Good,” he says at her surprise at finding out he’s a family man. “If I can fool you that means I’m better at this spy stuff then I thought.”

Hell, Clint’s better at it than even Nat thought he could be. That first year of their acquaintance she thinks the whole messy frat boy goofball routine is an act. Then she thinks it’s not. She’s right both times she supposes. No one is the sum of their parts.

Clint is definitely a goofball and a big bit of a mess and most people who don’t really know him see only that. Once Natasha learns about his family though a big piece of the puzzle that is Clinton Francis Barton slips into place.

Clint gives fatherly pep talks to some of the greener recruits and never turns anyone away if they ask him to help with target practice. The way he has her back and always clocks her position. At first it  bugs her because she thinks it’s because he doesn’t trust her. When proof to the contrary presents itself she thinks it’s because she’s a girl, though there’s evidence against that already as well. Then they go on some group ops with a few other agents and she realizes he does that for everybody. Then there’s the homemade Christmas cookies Clint brings in around the holidays. Anyone who knows Barton knows that he should be kept out of a kitchen unless washing dishes.

With Laura out of the room Nat quickly asks Clint what she wanted to since he’d showed up. He’d probably tell his wife later anyways but Nat doesn’t need to see the intimacy between them. She’s not jealous, not in that way. Hell Clint had more to worry about with the number of times Laura joked about running off with Nat every time she came around.

Seeing how Clint worked to have these two sides of his life made Natasha that much more certain she would never be able to have it. She didn’t need a husband or even a more than one time lover, and children were definitely off the table, but she could admit to herself that she was lonely. That was her one constant in any form, besides her need for survival. Wallowing in it isn’t part of the old her and definitely is not going to be a part of the new her so she ignores it, like a muscle cramping during an op.

 “How bad was it?” Natasha asks.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Most of what I went through can be seen on the 5 o’clock news,” she points out.

“This,” he points to his side “is mostly my own stupidity. The slight concussion and the stitches on my arm are courteously of Agent Wexler.”

“I always knew there was something wrong with him,” Nat says. So far most of the agents who turned out to be HYDRA had always given her a raised hair on the back of her neck feel.

“You mean besides the fact that he was a misogynistic douche-bag? Not such a surprise… Sitwell though.”

Nat nods. She didn’t know Sitwell as well as Clint or even Coulson did but there was a reason he did so well at SHIELD. The man was no slouch in the espionage department.

Laura comes back in with the first aid kit and they bench the conversation. Nat turns on the kitchen sink to get some hot water going for her. Laura peels off the dirty bandages on her husband’s side. She pauses.

“Is that buck shot?” Laura asks.

Nat looks over and can tell it definitely is.

“I am 97% certain that all of the bullets are out of me,” Clint says as both women roll their eyes and go to work.

Nat rigs up a mini metal detector just to make sure and once Laura restitches some of his wounds and shoots him up with antibiotics Clint crashes for three days.

Those three days are rather uneventful. She gets a text from Steve that Sam and him have arrived safely to wherever they were going. A day before that text she gets a twenty second video message from Wilson taping Steve sleeping on a commercial air flight with Sam narrating as if it were a wildlife show. She doesn’t take any of Sam’s not-so-subtle texts about getting the band back together seriously.

**_You just want to flirt with me_ **

**_I don’t need u here 4 that. There’s this thing called sexting Romanoff_ **

After a rather pregnant pause when she thinks he had just gone on to something else:

**_I’m worried about him_ **

Natasha doesn’t hesitate to text back:

**_Don’t b_ **

Natasha’s attempt to warn Steve off his hunt for the Winter Soldier was only half-hearted; she can’t think of him as James Barnes. Not yet anyway.

She gets it, if she doesn’t exactly agree with it. Steve is looking for his place too. For him that might mean looking backward, something he’s been trying not to do since he came out of the ice.

It’s his journey and she doesn’t feel like tagging along this time around. She also doesn’t need to do a similar journey of her past. 

First starting out at SHIELD she thinks about using the new resources available to her to hunt down anyone who even knows the words the Red Room. But she wouldn’t be doing it because those people deserve to pay for their crimes (which they do) or because the world would be a better place without them in it (it would). No, Natasha would be doing it because she enjoys it. If she starts tugging on that thread it would just start another ledger full of damp.

She sleeps, as good as someone like her can at night knowing that the intel she gave SHIELD when she came in helped catch some of the bastards. It has never helped her sleep better knowing Madame B died at the turn of the century as a result of stomach cancer. A painful death but the Russian raised French-Canadian still haunts the worst of her nightmares.

So Nat will be like a shark in one of those nature shows Lila likes to watch, moving forward. Maybe not as blood thirsty from this point on. Like that one shark that turned vegetarian in the UK.

 Laura keeps the kids home for school for a few days but makes them keep up with their homework. Nat binge watches _The Simpsons_ with Cooper and lets him win a few rounds at Mario Cart. She helps Lila with her spelling words and takes the little girls side when she wants Laura to let her keep a toad inside the house.

“Kids need pets don’t they?” she says.

“Cats or dogs. Not frogs.”

“Toads…” Lila calls from the next room.

“Whatever,” Laura says. “Last week we were watching a nature documentary and now she wants a gila monster. If one of those things bites you, you die.”

The Bartons had a cat for awhile but it left for greener pastures. Nat suspects it got hit by a car somewhere and Laura just makes up stories about seeing it around for Clint and the kids.

Cooper’s allergic to dogs and Clint still jokes about not being able to fulfill his life long dream of being a dog owner. He transfers the dream over to Natasha quick enough though. In fact it’s one of the first things he says upon coming out of his hibernation, right after mumbling for coffee and finishing the whole pot before anyone else gets any.

“Cooper would go into anaphylactic shock,” she points out.

“What? No not here. I meant for your place. I could come visit. Lots of free time now.”

They’re spread out on the couch in the TV room. Laura won’t let him near his tool box for at least another week so he’s stuck on the couch watching a cooking show at 2 in the afternoon. Nat is making good headway through Laura’s beat up copy of _Watership Down._

Her first week here she finally read the last Harry Potter book and caught up with all George R.R. Martin’s _A Song of Fire and Ice_ novels. Though she’s only seen the first season she agrees with Cooper that the books are better than the TV show. This leads to a conversation with the boy’s mother about how he’s even seen an episode of the TV show and he looses TV and internet privileges for a week. Natasha hasn’t been able to read like this in a long time and she’s going a bit overboard, but with no burnout in site.

“My place…”

All her covers are blown. Which means most of her safe houses are too. All of them actually, except one. A small condo in Tucson, Arizona that is basically just a stash house. It’s rented under a name she’s never used for either SHIELD or the KGB. She has a couple hundred dollars stored under the floorboards in the bathroom, which thanks to the security camera and motion sensors she installed, it’s a safe bet it’s still there. If it were ever compromised it wouldn’t be the biggest loss she’s ever had. That happened last week and she’s still standing.

“As much as I love having you here…” Clint’s still not over how Laura and her were teasing him at breakfast, “…Wasn’t this supposed to be you time? You know… finding yourself. Not that you can’t do that with other people. That whole not being able to love somebody till you love yourself spiel is bullshit.”

“Watch it…” Laura calls from somewhere else in the house.

“How does she do that,” Clint mumbles. “The kids aren’t even here…”

“If you want me to leave…”

He kicks her softly in the thigh because they both know that’s not what he’s saying.

“Shut up. Though I will throw you out if you don’t stop flirting so shamelessly with my wife.”

“She starts it.”

“…And you are not to talk about teaching Cooper how to use ninja stars,” Clint says very seriously. “I’m his father. That’s my job. Ninja stars, swords, arrows obviously. Any type of explosive. Basically anything that could lead to bodily harm, I have dibs on since his birth.”

“I can hear you,” Laura calls out again.

“I’m joking honey…” he lowers his voice to a whisper. “…I’m not joking.”

“I thought she was okay with him doing archery,” Nat says.

“She was…is. She just doesn’t want me taking him hunting. Killing an animal is different than hitting a target. Not that I was gonna…Hey! Don’t change the subject, Romanoff.”

That wasn’t _exactly_ what she was doing.

“What was the subject again?”

“Roses? No, wait. You. It was definitely about you and your new life.”

She smiles.

“I’m pretty sure this is my second time at a new life,” she points out.

“Joining SHIELD doesn’t count now.”

“Should I start paying rent?”

“Do you even have money?” Clint asks.

“The Swiss bank account and I have $250,000 dollars stashed in the tool shed out back.”

“Thank God you told me. I was gonna tear that thing down and build a new one.”

Laura would’ve stopped him. She knows about the money but she never touches it.

“You still got those gold bars under the barbeque pit?” Nat asks.

He nods.

Even the brief nonmention of HYDRA sours any conversation for them for awhile. He goes back to channel surfing and she returns to her book. They haven’t hashed it out yet, but then neither of them is big on sharing their mistakes. Well at least Natasha isn’t. Clint is ready to be the butt of any joke.

They don’t stay that way for long though. Two nights later Natasha wakes from the deepest sleep she’s had in a long while which of course means a nightmare. It starts off normal enough, the worst ones always do.

Natasha doesn’t remember the exact specifics. She’s at the farm watching Lila and Laura doing…something. There’s a clock ticking. Then music. _The Dance of the Knights_ from Prokofiev’s _Romeo & Juliet._ Then Madame B. Blood, hers or others. Little girls standing _en pointe_ until their toes bleed and they fall down from exhaustion.Dead bodies piled as high as a mountain. Ledgers of blood. A white sterile room.

She gets out of the bed and immediately drops into doing a set of one armed pushups. Experience has taught her that she won’t be going back to sleep tonight. The clock reads 4AM so there’s no point anyways. They rise early on the Barton farm.

It’s only after about two minutes when Natasha’s covered in a new layer of sweat and can finally hear past her own heartbeat that she knows she’s not the only one up. She’s surprised anyone else is actually asleep since Clint is apparently ripping the bathroom the kids share apart.

She knows he hears her enter.

“Laura’s going to kill you.”

He’s prying off the tiles from the shower wall. Nat is pretty sure this is not about a nightmare. In fact she’s sure Clint hasn’t slept at all. He might’ve gotten into bed and cuddled up with his wife, but she doubts he even closed his eyes to pretend.

“You would never let her do that,” he says without stopping his work.

Natasha leans against the door jamb.

“Well,” she stretches out the word. “It would be easier. Less paperwork with a murder than a divorce. I could adopt the kids right away.”

He does lower the crowbar at that and stares at her.

“Less paperwork with a murder. Sure, nothing but the body.”

“Which I would obviously help her get rid of. I can’t let my future wife go to jail.”

Clint rolls his eyes and goes back to what he was doing. They both know better than to ask the other if they’re alright or want to talk. Natasha never wants to talk whereas Clint will talk about everything under the sun including last night’s episode of the _The Voice_ before he starts in on any tough stuff.

After a few more tiles come loose he starts.

“Last time I was home we took the kids to the planetarium. I fell asleep during the planet light show thing.” Of course he did. “But they seemed to really like it. I thought maybe I could paint the walls in here dark blue. Paint constellations or get some of those glow in the dark plastic stars. Orion. Isn’t there a bear or crab or something.”

“I think both,” she says.

“This shower needed to be regrouted. But then I figured why not just replace the tile? Maybe I could even find some that matches the paint. A blue-black tiled shower wouldn’t creep Lila out would it?”

He could go on for at least another half hour and Nat would usually let him but the nightmare has set her on edge and she wants to get everything out and over before Laura or the kids wake up.

“It’s not your fault, Clint.”

He hesitates for a second but continues destroying the shower.

“Yeah… It’s not my fault. Not yours’ either. Or Fury’s. Hill. Definitely not Coulson’s since last time I checked he’s still six feet under.” He’s sweating bullets now and not from the prying. “It’s nobodies fault except HYDRA. That bastard Red Skull. Nazi-Germany too I guess for that matter.”

Clint’s not as big a history buff as his wife except where the Howling Commandos are concerned. He made Nat watch that six hour Ken Burns documentary on them in one sitting.

“A super secret spy organization hidden inside another super secret spy organization. Who knew right?” He’s not loosening tiles anymore, just hitting the end of the crowbar into the wall. “You know what I can be blamed for though? I brought you in. I told you SHIELD was different. We’re the good guys.” He swings the crowbar around. “We were supposed to be the good guys.”

She wants to hug him, wrap her arms so tight around him he almost won’t be able to breathe. But sometimes that makes it worse and Natasha’s pretty sure this is one of those times. Especially with the way he’s brandishing that crowbar. So she goes with her ace in the hole as a distraction.

“I forgot to tell you something about what happened.”

He stops swinging but keeps a tight grasp on the crowbar.

“You forgot to tell me everything about what happened.”

Well she’ll get to the rest.

“Yeah but this is important. At least to your nerd brain.” When he finally looks her in the eye she continues. “The Winter Soldier…”

“Yeah I saw the news footage.”

Of course Clint believes her about the Winter Soldier. He was there two days after she reported the loss and her gunshot to SHIELD. He saw how shaken she was. One of the few who knew what shaken looked like on her.

“…It’s Bucky Barnes.”

Clint drops the crowbar. Apparently on his bare foot because he hops around cursing.

“Ow, ow, ow… Jesus. You’re bullshiting me.”

“Almost constantly but I’m on the level with this.”

He looks at her hard for a second then around the destruction he’s started in on. He steps out of the shower and grabs her by the arm.

“Coffee. Now. I can’t be sure I didn’t fall asleep or this isn’t a hallucination.”

She calls him a nerd and laughs at him all the way to the kitchen. Clint drinks three cups of coffee by the time she’s finished. The sun isn’t up yet but they hear water in the pipes so they know someone’s up.

“Bucky Freakin’ Barnes.” Of course his favorite commando was the group sharpshooter and Cap’s right hand man.

“And Armin Zola?!” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m kind of glad I missed some of this shit.”

“Watch the language, mister,” Laura says coming into the kitchen. She squeezes his shoulder in affection before making her way over to get her own cup of coffee.

“The kids aren’t even—.”

The rest of the sentence dies in his mouth because they hear Lila padding down the stairs and a moment later she’s in the kitchen. She’s wearing a blue Cinderella nightdress, clutching a Captain America bear in one fist. Nat knows better than to respond to the bear with even a smile because that’ll just start Clint off on a rant about how there’s no good Hawkeye or Black Widow merchandise and how Tony Stark should seriously buy a toy company to rectify that.

Lila gets a stool and starts to gather everything to make her own bowl of cereal. Laura actually welcomes her daughter’s independent streak, whereas Clint probably still wishes she was in diapers.

“What’s all this…?” Laura motions at Clint’s everything.

“Bucky Barnes is the Winter Soldier!” Clint crows.

“Okay…So this is a happy thing? You’re not dying or…” She lets the sentence drop.

“Totally happy, sweetheart. Oh! That’s where Cap is isn’t it? Looking for him, cause he’s not gonna leave a man behind and Bucky was his best friend. Him and that Wilson guy are looking for the Winter Soldier aren’t they? Do they need help? Cause the guy is a ghost. I bet they need help. I could so help.”

Clint’s too excited to answer Lila’s question about what a Winter Soldier is. Laura moves back over to him and squeezes his shoulder again, this time in a less lovey-dovey way.

“You’re needed plenty right here. Speaking of which…What is going on in the kids’ bathroom?”

Clint winces in mock fright.

“Daddy made a mess,” Lila sing-songs taking a seat at the table.

He starts rambling.

“It’s about time to redecorate in there, don’t you think? The kids can use the guest bathroom until I’m done. I just replaced the shower head in there. How’s the pressure by the way?” he asks Nat.

“Pretty good but the hot water runs out after about five minutes.”

“It does that in all of them,” Laura says.

“We need a new water heater,” Clint says.

“Which you can get and install next week. You need to rest.” She looks over at Natasha. “You both do.”

And that’s apparently the law of the land as Cooper finally shuffles his way downstairs and they all move onto a different topic.

Later Laura is rinsing dishes in the sink and Nat is flipping through a magazine. Usually the kids take a bus to school, the stop being less than a quarter mile down the road from the farm, but today Clint wants to drive them in. That gives the two women about an hour alone together.

Laura loads the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and leans back against the counter. Nat doesn’t really look up from the magazine as her friend talks.

“Bucky Barnes huh?”

“Yep.”

“Wasn’t it the Winter Soldier who shot you in Odessa?” Laura asks. Nat just nods. Laura turns around and stares out the window. “What that guy must’ve gone through.”

Natasha has a pretty good idea what James Barnes must’ve gone through. She’d skimmed those files before she handed them over to Steve. The Red Room didn’t have that chair apparatus but the rest of it hit a little too close to home for her.

Laura lightens things up.

“Clint is not going to shut up about this anytime soon,” she says smiling. “He still has a Bucky Barnes action figure around somewhere. I thought he might give it to Cooper but he’s all ‘You can’t give him that! It’s a collector’s item’. I think really he just never learned how to share.”

Nat cracks a smile.

“You better hide his copy of that Ken Burns documentary.”

“They released a blu-ray of it last year. And he has a copy of that dramatization they did on the History Channel back in  ’99.”

“He’s still mad that HBO dropped the planned miniseries,” Nat says.

Laura gets herself another cup of coffee and takes a seat across from Natasha.

“Did I ever tell you how he made me watch that Ken Burns Howling Commandos documentary on our sixth date?”

Good to know Nat’s not the only girl he tortured with that. Laura’s a history buff like Clint but her specialty is the Industrial Revolution or earlier. Anything after 1850 bores her. She rolls her eyes whenever anyone mentions the Victorian era.

“It doesn’t surprise me.”

“I tried to start making out with him during like the second episode and he actually pushed me away.”

After they both stop laughing Nat speaks.

“I hate to break it to you Laura, but you married a huge dork.”

Laura leans back in her chair and sighs like she actually has a problem with it.

“I know…but he’s a cute dork. They’re the best kind.”

“If you start talking about his ass I’m going to have to put you in a sleeper hold,” Nat says.

“What about his arms?”

Nat just rolls her eyes.

“One day Romanoff…Maybe not today or even a year from now…But one day you will let down those reinforced thirty feet thick steel walls for someone else. And I’m not talking about Steve Rogers cause I’m pretty sure even Adolf Hitler went ‘I kind of like the guy’.”

Nat doesn’t even try to stop Laura’s little rant.

“I’m talking about real honest to goodness Hallmark channel movie mushy feelings. You’re going to want to tell me all about this person’s ass and arms and the scrunchy weird faces they make when they’re thinking really hard. Oh! And how even when you want to kill them there’s still a little piece of you that just wants to curl up on the couch and binge watch something on Netflix with them while you take turns rubbing each others feet.”

“Sure,” Natasha says giving her a look that says she’s crazy.

“It’s gonna happen and I’m gonna laugh so hard I’ll need an oxygen tank.”

 Just because Laura likes having a home in the country and babies doesn’t mean she thinks it’s for everyone and she definitely knows it’s not for Nat. The stuff with SHIELD must’ve taken a big toil because usually after just four days at the farm Natasha starts getting itchy feet. After about six days, which happens less often, Natasha and Clint move the dining room table out of the way and start sparring most mornings. But Laura’s seen the way Nat looks at things when she’s on the farm.

 The worst part is that Natasha does want everything Laura just said. It sounds like the perfect decompression after a day of what she does. She’d nix the foot rub though because she’s extremely ticklish there and not even Barton knows that.

From Laura’s perspective the worst part isn’t that they make a joke of it or that Natasha really is just that lonely. It’s not even that Natasha thinks she’ll never have it.

The real worst part is how Natasha Romanoff thinks she doesn’t deserve it. 

Clint doesn’t end up getting the new water heater, at least not that Natasha sees. Natasha does finish _Watership Down_ and finishes a Lee Child thriller but doesn’t get to start the new Stephan King. Because about a week later Maria Hill calls from New York.


	2. Chapter 2

Maria Hill calls the land line. Fury knows about the farm so obviously Maria does too. She’s never been there but Laura has talked to the other woman on the phone and Nat knows Maria is on the list to get one of the homemade Barton family Christmas cards every year.

The former deputy director is calling from the now called Avengers Tower. She now works for Stark.

Natasha has to take the phone because Clint can’t stop laughing. Laura rolls her eyes at her husband.

“The woman’s got to eat, honey.”

He still can’t catch his breath to make a witty comeback.

Maria can obviously hear his laughing but either doesn’t care what Barton thinks or chooses to ignore it.

It makes sense really even if Fury hasn’t reached out to Maria to do this. Because lets be honest even if SHIELD is gone, Maria Hill is still Nick Fury’s deputy director. And even if Stark allegedly blew up all his Iron Man suits, he’s gotta be working on something. Tony Stark is his own worst enemy and add in that he has Bruce Banner staying with him and Tony is the dominant personality in that relationship, something is definitely going on in Stark labs that needs additional oversight.

“What’s up?” Natasha asks. They don’t need pleasantries.

“This isn’t Stark business. Not officially anyway. I was contacted by CIA Agent Sharon Carter early this morning.”

Sharon’s a CIA agent now. Nice.

“It’s barely been a month. Doesn’t the CIA vet take longer than that?”

Then again her vet of Tony Stark for the Avengers Initiative took less than that.

 “She’s got the stats and a hell of a pedigree,” Maria says.

Plus Natasha bets she’s got one glowing recommendation letter from a former director who may or may not have let the head of the CIA know he’s still very much alive.

“Again I repeat what’s up?”

The CIA and the NSA are apparently teaming up to go through the hollow shell that is SHIELD. Natasha and Clint could care less and Maria seems to do even more so but there is one thing that Agent Carter thought they might be interested in. The Avengers as a whole really.

“Loki’s scepter. It’s missing.”

Of course it is.

“What’d the man say?” Natasha asks.

“SHIELD’s dead. The Avengers aren’t. “

Natasha has to smile at that.

“What?” Clint asks now that he’s caught his breath and she just waves a hand at him.

“He’s let slip some intel though,” Maria continues. “Agent Carter says she has some too. Whoever’s running this at the CIA seems friendly…”

“But appearances…”

“…can be deceiving. Carter’s been made the CIA liaison to the Avengers team. Assuming there still is one.”

“What does Stark say?”

Not that Natasha’s going to follow that guy’s lead. She’ll join back up in a heartbeat though. She’s got nothing else to do. The idea of all that free time actually kind of terrified her. And the jobs not done. SHIELD is dead so it’s not exactly the same ballgame as last time. Natasha’s seen first hand what that oversized glow stick can do. Loki was just one psychopath, Hydra is supposedly thousands. If that scepter is left in the wind it could result in a disaster ten times worse than New York.

“I haven’t told him yet. Carter wants to give a briefing on this. She’s contacted Jane Foster who apparently has a way to get in touch with Thor. I was hoping you had a line on Captain Rogers.”

“Sure.”

“If you and Barton are game, it’s two days time at the Avenger’s tower.”

Natasha almost opens her mouth to say they’ll be there but she can’t. Clint might not be. It has nothing to do with his wife and kids. He’s left on a million missions without hesitation or any fallout from Laura. That was before the events in Washington though.

“We’ll see,” she says instead.

“Okay. And Natasha… the man said that if you and Barton choose not to be there it’s not gonna make him any less proud of either of you.”

Nick Fury is a fucking bastard.

“You should tell that old man that dead guys shouldn’t talk so much.”

Natasha doesn’t give Clint a chance to hesitate.

“I’ll go,” she says. “Just me at the briefing.”

“Uh...Screw you very much.” Which isn’t exactly cussing but Laura gives her husband a sharp look. “What the hell, Nat?”

“You’re still healing and it’s just a briefing.”

“You got shot too. And don’t give me that you heal quicker crap!”

Laura puts her hand on her husband’s arm.

“She’s doing us a favor, Clint.”

He finally gets it but his face shows he doesn’t like it. Natasha goes into the other room so they can confer. They’re whispering and it’s not argue whispering either she’s sure. Laura won’t say anything if he really wants to go. She knows how Clint beats himself up about not being enough to be on the team and she won’t add to that.

That’s something the two best friends have in common. They held their own during the battle of New York but they didn’t get away clean. Before New York neither of them had questioned their place at SHIELD; no one had a clue about Hydra then. Being an Avenger wasn’t the same though. 

Natasha hadn’t been as bruised as Clint sure, but she wasn’t exactly whole. Hasn’t been for a long time really but the thing on the helicarrier…

Natasha doesn’t like to think about the helicarrier and Banner’s transformation. There’s still some guilt there, on both sides. She was scared, still is honestly, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Only an idiot wouldn’t be scared of the Other Guy.

Because it isn’t Banner Nat is afraid of.

She didn’t hesitate to be in same room alone with him the very next day. Though he seemed afraid to be alone with her and quickly made a retreat after apologizing for the incident on the helicarrier for a fourth time in less than twelve hours. Even in that run down house in Calcutta Natasha hadn’t been drawing the gun on Banner. It’s always the Other Guy. She likes Banner. Did since that first talk with him, in spite of his scare tactic. Hell she’s impressed that he called her out on her lying. Not only once but twice. Dr. Banner was not the first guy to not fall for her tactics, but it had been awhile.

She doesn’t know why she’s thinking about the guy. She hasn’t seen him in almost two years. He must be relatively happy or at least calm since she would have seen a news report about the Hulk destroying the rebuilt tower otherwise.

Maybe it’s because she knows if she goes back, takes her place on the team, she’ll have to face it. The fear. She’s done that before, but not like this. The thing in New York might have been a one off. If she meets with the Hulk again it might almost certainly mean her death. She’s not afraid to die. Hasn’t been since a very young age. It’s pain more than anything else that she’s afraid of. And what her death would mean. To the world and Dr. Banner especially.

They’re not friends by any means, her and Bruce Banner. But if the amount of emotional flagellation he administers over his guilt at the death of complete strangers is any indication, she doesn’t want to think of what it would be like for him to kill someone he actually knows.

You could say she knows how that feels but then she rarely liked any of her targets. And of course none of them knew the real her or they would have seen it coming.

Natasha sleeps that night but it’s fitful and not deep enough to dream. When she can’t take it anymore she gets up. She thinks she’s the first up but there’s already an almost full pot of coffee. Laura is sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch and Natasha joins her with her own cup of java.

“You Bartons really have something against a goodnight’s sleep,” Natasha says sitting down in the chair next to Laura.

Laura smiles and it’s tired and old.

“I could say the same thing about you, Romanoff.” After a minute of serenity she says “He’s not gonna go with you.”

Natasha’s not really surprised. He would have told her right away if he was going. She gives Laura a questioning look though.

“You don’t think it’s the right call?”

“I could not be prouder of him if I tried. Or you.” Nat hides behind her coffee cup. “He’s going to leave it behind someday. I don’t think he even knows that but I do. And I can wait. I’m the patient one for all his talk of sitting in his nest. I just don’t think this is the right time for him. He’ll regret it.”

“SHIELD’s burned. Shouldn’t that be the perfect time.”

Laura knows what she’s doing.

“Clean break right? Bullshit.”

“Language, Mrs. Barton.”

“The kids are asleep,” she smiles but then goes back to being serious. “It’s not your break. Or his. You didn’t choose it. Go be big damn heroes.”

Nat wants to hug her but she’s not finished.

“Don’t feel guilty about not wanting the normal life. It’s not for everybody, Natasha.”

“Maybe I really do want that.”

Laura doesn’t say bullshit this time because her look says it for her.

“You are the most self-assured person I have ever met, Romanoff.”

“I talk a good game.”

“Yeah well change the game …or the talk… I actually have no idea where to go with that metaphor. But we both know you would be bored out of your mind if you spent anymore time here.”

Natasha nods.

“Not that I don’t love you guys…”

“You better.” Laura squeezes her knee. “You can still find yourself while being a badass superspy Avenger girl. I’m an over thirty mother of two who’s finding out new things about herself everyday. Well okay, not everyday. I don’t have that much time to spare, but at least on a weekly basis. Like last week I figured out I hate tomatoes. And yet Clint keeps planting them. I am going to possibly drowned that man in tomato juice.”

They both laugh even as Laura swears she’s serious.

Even though Nat has another full day to get there and it only takes about six hours by plane she decides to leave later that morning. Clint sticks with his plan to stay on the farm but Laura might be right about this not being the time for him to leave. Natasha is pretty sure he’ll be at Avengers Tower by next week no matter what Nat tells him about the briefing.

Natasha sleeps for about an hour and a half on the flight but wakes up with ballet suites and bullets going off in her head. The rest of the flight is spent staring out the window and contemplating what she’s really doing. Being an Avenger seems nice but saying she’s one isn’t going to erase the past or magically give her a rainbow to follow to her future. Like everything else it’s going to be work and she’s too sleep deprived too deal with these thoughts. By the six hour mark the only thing she’s come to a decision about is that she might possibly cut her hair again. Her hair straightener is on its last leg and she doesn’t feel like having to deal with long hair in the summer if she’s going to be in New York.

Old habits die hard so she’s keeping the element of surprise and doesn’t call Hill to send her a car. She takes a taxi to the tower. Seeing it rebuilt makes her even more tired.

There’s a Starbucks in the lobby because of course there is. There’s a restaurant too. According to the building directory there’s also a cafeteria for Stark Industries staff. She counts and realizes that that there are several floors not listed on the directory and can guess what those are.

Natasha’s just about to go to the security desk to get someone to page Maria Hill when an elevator off to the right dings and the woman herself steps out. She’s got a hands free ear piece in her right ear and an Ipad in her hand. She looks pretty much the same since the last time Natasha saw her except she’s wearing an expensive looking dress suit and heels instead of boots and a bodysuit. It looks good on her.

Hill doesn’t seem surprised that Natasha is there and gives the impression that she’s the reason the woman’s in the lobby. She in fact is.

“Jarvis alerted me to your presence.”

Of course he did.

“I suppose that means Stark knows I’m here?”

That would be one frosty welcome. The guy still hasn’t gotten over her duplicity during that Stark Expo debacle.

“Pepper’s been out of town for the last two weeks so the boss is in the garage ripping apart several cars that probably cost more than I make in a year. And I’m talking about my new salary.”

Maria ushers her into an elevator and after punching a code in she presses the button for one of the missing floors.

“Be honest,” Natasha says. “He makes you call him boss.”

Maria doesn’t crack a smile as she says, “Actually I do it because it pisses him off. He seems to think I’m being insincere.”

Natasha’s bedroom has apparently already been chosen for her but Maria tells her she’s free to change whatever she likes, buy new furniture, even paint. It’s bigger than the guest room at Clint’s farm that’s for sure. The bathroom appears to have hot water and the bed is passable, if a little too soft for her taste. She doesn’t really care about anything else and doubts she’ll be staying long enough to want to make this space her own. Even if the team gets back together she doesn’t think Tony’s invitation is sincere, at least not in regards to her. She also doesn’t think she could live with seeing Stark on a daily basis. Then there’s Dr. Banner.

“Want the tour?” Maria asks cutting into her reverie.

Nat drops her bag and jacket and follows the other woman back out. They don’t actually stop at every level. They skip the law and general Stark employee offices as well as the cafeteria. Natasha’s not too impressed with the employee gym even if there is a pool and sauna. Turns out one of the missing floors is a private gym for the Avengers, and while it has a juice bar it does not have the pool or sauna. There’s also a shooting range on the 49th floor.

They end the tour back on the Avengers floors in the lounge that connects to the only kitchen.

“He’s kidding right?” Natasha asks.

“Nope. Boss thinks you all having to share one eating area will make you bond more or better or something.”

Her earpiece lets out a few chirps and she mouths an apology but Natasha tells her it’s fine. The redhead moves over to look outside the floor length window as Maria taps the earpiece and immediately begins arguing with someone on the other end while tapping on her IPAD.

It’s a nice place. Everything to help a growing superhero. It’s someplace Natasha could be satisfied in. Wishing for happiness has always been a stretch for her to dream of though.

Natasha looks out over the city and although it’s nothing short of pristine now, all she sees is fire and alien bodies. She squeezes her eyes shut and reaches for her throat. Too late she remembers she left the arrow necklace with Lila. The little girl had given it to her in the first place and was angry that Nat was leaving so abruptly. Natasha doesn’t really regret leaving it with Lila, it’s in good hands. It just means she’ll need to find another anchor.

The melodic British voice of Jarvis breaks over her and the programs voice actually helps a bit. She opens her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Jarvis. What did you say?”

“I asked whether or not I could be of some assistance to you, Agent Romanoff.”

Stark’s probably programmed him to read peoples body temps and heart rates to see if they’re in any kind of distress. It makes sense with Banner being in the building and Natasha doubts Stark is always firing on all cylinders with all that he’s been through. None of them are.

“I’m fine,” she says. She doesn’t see fire anymore, just glass, steel, and concrete. No bodies in sight except the ones that look like ants down on the street. “And I’m no longer an agent, Jarvis.”

“The low humidity common in the passenger cabin of airplanes can often lead to dehydration, Miss Romanoff. If you wish, the refrigerator is well stock with an assortment of juices, both fruit and vegetable, as well as mineral water.”

Good lord, she knows Tony probably needs a babysitter when Pepper’s away but Natasha’s perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Though she is thirsty.

“Thanks, Jarvis. I’m good for now. You don’t need to hover.”

“I don’t hover, Miss Romanoff.”

“Whatever. I just mean if I have any questions I’ll ask.”

“Very good, ma’am.”

Maria’s still on the phone though Natasha’s pretty sure it’s a different call now because she’s speaking Cantonese. Natasha nods in the direction of the kitchen and Maria makes another apologetic gesture.

The kitchens something. All white and chrome. There’s a white wooden table that seats up to four and an island with two stools. Either it’s just been cleaned or nobodies ever used it. The latter might actually be the case since she got a first hand look at Stark’s eating habits when she was his PA for a week.

If Natasha was staying she might put the place to good use. She’s not a gourmet cook exactly and she hasn’t had much time to indulge, but she likes to cook. It’s relaxing and it’s nice to use a knife for something else for a change.

Natasha goes into the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. She’s contemplating whether or not to see what kind of protein shake that is on the top shelf, because she hasn’t had anything but buttered toast since this morning, when she hears the kitchen door swing open. When she shuts the fridge it’s not Maria Hill standing in the kitchen. It’s Bruce Banner.

The doctor seems about as surprised to see her as she is him because he’s gaping at her. He looks pretty much the same since the last time Natasha saw him. He’s put on a little weight, but in a good way. He’s healthier looking. Stark is obviously feeding him daily. His clothes are a bit rumpled, she assumes from him working overtime in some lab, but they’re more expensive looking than anything else she’s seen him in.

Banner stops moving his mouth like a fish and pockets his glasses.

“Hi,” he says.

He looks ready to bolt so Natasha gives him a reassuring smile.

“Hi,” she says back.

“I didn’t know you would be here. Jarvis said no one else was up here.”

The AI breaks in.

“You asked if Mr. Stark was in the kitchen, Dr. Banner, and as you can see he is not.”

“Right. Thanks, Jarvis.”

Natasha moves away from the fridge to around the island. He’s obviously here for a reason but he doesn’t move. His eyes follow her but he won’t meet her gaze. Natasha decides to take it easy on the guy. Her fear of the Hulk notwithstanding, she doesn’t hold a grudge against Banner, or the Other Guy even.

“Do you only come in the kitchen when no one else is around?” she asks after taking a sip from her bottle of water. That gets him to at least look in the general direction of her face.

“No, not usually. I mean you can probably guess I’m not the biggest people person, but I don’t actively avoid anybody. At least not lately. Tony and I had a bit of a disagreement earlier and I didn’t feel like dealing with him just yet.”

She smiles again and says, “It must not have been that bad a disagreement if the building’s still standing.”

Natasha thinks maybe her sense of humor won’t be up his ally but the small smile she sees makes her think he uses that in place of a laugh. Dr. Banner doesn’t seem much prone to laughter.

Banner inches along the other side of the island, afraid to show her his back apparently, until he reaches the stove. It takes him a few tries to grab the tea kettle since he won’t turn to look behind him. Natasha keeps her face placid even though she wants to smile. It’s kind of adorable and just a little bit sad.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not going to be here long,” Natasha says.

She doesn’t specify whether she means the Avengers Tower as a whole or just the kitchen but whatever he assumes doesn’t seem to help. She thought the news might be reassuring but instead it seems to make him tense up even more for a few seconds. There’s no sign of green though so Natasha stays calm.

Bruce finally does turn away to fill the kettle at the sink and then sets it on the burner. When he turns back to face her he’s a bit more relaxed.

“I didn’t…” he stammers out. “I don’t mean to make you feel unwelcome. If you want to stay…”

“You’d never be the reason I wouldn’t stay, Dr. Banner,” she says and she means it.

He doesn’t really buy that but Nat doesn’t call him on it and they move on. She kind of wishes he would put his glasses back on because she’s not sure how well he can see without them. People hardly ever see the real Natasha metaphorically, so why should it matter if this man is trying not to see her physically as a further way to hide?

“Bruce,” he says. “You can call me Bruce. You’ve earned that.”

“Natasha,” she says smiling again and he returns one of his own. The skin around his eyes crinkle.

The tea kettle goes off and he makes himself busy getting a tea bag and cup. He doesn’t seem to care about showing his back to her now.

“I didn’t know you would be coming. Maria wasn’t sure you or Barton would show.”

“I’m still an Avenger.” Though that statement feels a bit wooden in her mouth. “Barton’s still recovering…” Off Bruce’s worried look. “He’s fine. Just some scrapes but he should take it easy. I can fill him in on the details. Plus I’m the better listener.”

Bruce looks as though he’s about to say something but obviously thinks better of it and gulps down some tea instead.

“How have you been keeping busy since I last saw you?” Natasha asks. He’s surprised at the question but she’s completely sincere.

Bruce relaxes, not enough to take a seat near her though which bothers her for some reason but she’ll get over it. He goes on for a good three minutes about the facilities and the research he’s doing as well as some side projects Tony’s asked him to look at. He’s smiling when he stops midsentence and rubs his hand over the back of his neck.

“Sorry. I forget to use laymen speak.”

“I’m following fine.”

And she is, because Natasha Romanoff might not be a nuclear physicist or hold a degree of any other kind, but she’s never been someone that could be labeled dim. Neither know what to say next but it’s not really awkward, at least not on Natasha’s end. Bruce’s supposed salvation comes in a few moments later. Maria’s finished on the phone and walks in.

“I’m not interrupting anything am I?” she asks, looking between the two.

“No,” Bruce says. “No. No, nope. Nothing.”

He doesn’t look at Natasha, which is good because she’s pretty sure she’d burst out laughing if he did.

“Okay,” Maria says. She turns to the redhead. “I’m sorry Natasha but I have some stuff I have to take care of on the office levels. Plus I have to try and root Stark out of his hermitage.”

Bruce gives the woman a sympathetic look, most likely knowing from experience how difficult that can be.

“It’s cool,” Nat says. “I saw everything I needed to anyway.”

Maria nods at her and tells the former Russian assassin that if she needs anything to ask Jarvis or call the switchboard for Maria herself.

Maria’s there less than a minute and then Natasha and Bruce are alone again. Bruce finishes up his tea and puts the cup in the nearby dishwasher.

“Well, I should be getting back,” Bruce says.

He seems reluctant but Natasha’s probably just imagining it. She’s sleep deprived.

“Have fun,” she says.

“Unless…” he pauses and she quirks an eyebrow in question. “Unless… Maria gave you the tour but she didn’t show you the labs. I was headed back there anyways, if you want to have a look around.”

Offering to let her into his space is nothing small, Natasha supposes. And she would actually like to see his lab but not now. It’s been a long day and she wants to be alone. She’s getting to that point where she can’t stand being around other people. Though she gets the impression that being in the close quarters of the lab with Bruce wouldn’t be like that. That being alone with him wouldn’t exactly be like being alone with other people and not just because of the threat of the Other Guy. He wouldn’t bombard her with questions or place any demands on her. He’d probably ignore her in favor of doing science. That thoughts actually heartening.

Which is why she tells him no and doesn’t look at his face to see if he’s taken the rejection hard. She makes some excuse about being tired from traveling, which is actually true, and makes a quick escape back to her room.

It’s a cowards move but then she’s not actually a robot. She’s allowed to have feelings and right now she feels like she could stay here for more than just a night. That she actually could be an Avenger. That she could have more than just Clint and Laura in her life. That Steve and maybe even Banner could be the same as the rest of them.

She almost wishes Bruce resented her a little bit like Stark does. It would be even easier for her if she just gave into her fear and gave the guy a wide berth. But no matter who Natasha is now that SHIELD has fallen, she’ll never be someone who’s guided by her fears.


	3. Chapter 3

The bed _is_ too soft so it takes her forever to fall asleep. It’s not exactly a sound sleep but there are no dreams, good or bad. When she wakes it’s still technically the middle of the night. Natasha considers staying in the bed and just staring at the ceiling for the next few hours, but she hasn’t eaten in over twelve hours and though she’s been without food for longer she’s not on a mission and there’s no plausible reason for her forced starvation.

It’s late enough that even if anybody else is still awake they are most likely in their own rooms or private spaces. It’s almost a disappointment that no one’s in the kitchen but she pushes that  sensation away easily. She drinks a glass of water then makes herself a sandwich.

There’s a small TV screen built into the island because Stark built this place so of course there is. She turns it to a 24-hour news station just to see if the vultures have gotten tired of picking SHIELD’s bones yet. You’d think that after a month someone would have screwed up bigger. And there is a few minutes of time spent on the latest celebrity scandal and an adulterous Senator, but then it’s brought back to what happened in Washington D.C. Natasha isn’t mentioned by name, neither is Nick Fury, but the newscaster is mentioning the massive file dump and Natasha recognizes some of the names and places he does drop. She changes the station and finishes her sandwich to an old episode of _Friends_.

There’s no need to know what the press is saying about her. She knows what’s in her files and can guess the response. A call for her blood or at the least imprisonment in half a dozen different prisons. Natasha’s not worried about the fall out because there isn’t really going to be one. If there was it would have happened by now. Whatever they’re calling her she’s most likely been called before and probably will be again. She’s not in jail and it doesn’t look like the government plans to press charges anytime soon either. A few reporter’s have probably tried to contact Stark or Hill to try and get a lead on the Black Widow but that’s going to get them nowhere.

Going back to her room is an option but she doesn’t much like it. Working out is another but Natasha foregoes that one as well. She takes the elevator to the very top floor because they skipped over that on the tour.

It opens up into an even bigger lounge area than the one off the kitchen. There’s a bar off to the right, which looks to be well stocked. Stairs lead up to a couple more levels. There’s pool tables and even a piano. The two top levels are made of glass and she can see that it’s a giant lab. The lights are off with no one at home and she’s not a spy anymore, or at least she isn’t here to spy on Stark and Banner’s research, so she ignores it. There’s a large outdoor balcony and Natasha decides she could use some fresh air.

 She looks over the railing for a minute before taking a seat on one of the comfortable loungers. The view’s something but she’s seen better and at least she doesn’t see anything that’s not actually there. There are no stars to see because of the artificial light, but the city lights have their own hypnotic beauty.

Natasha could stay here. It would make certain things a little easier, but she’s hardly one to shy away from difficult. Finding a place in the world was never going to be about the actual roof over her head though. Nor does she think it means following Clint’s blueprint for his secret happy home life, not that that was ever a real option.

There’s got to be a balance.

More than anything all Natasha wants is quiet but she knows she can’t just throw away all her training and get a 9 to 5 job; that’s why she’s here in the first place. Besides being bored to death, she actually has no qualms about her worth to the team, unlike Clint. Her issues with being an Avenger had never been about her abilities.

It doesn’t have to be like SHIELD or Hydra and if Steve’s leading the team she knows it won’t be. She wants to do good work. Save the world. It’s déjà vu all over again but she’s letting herself be naïve enough to believe that this time it might work. She doesn’t want to even begin to think about what might happen if it doesn’t.

The sun’s not completely up yet but it will be. Everything is blue and grey instead of pitch. Natasha left the balcony door open so she hears the ding of the elevator and even before the doors open she can hear Tony Stark’s voice. She doubts his rambling is just the result of too many shots of espresso.

Nat thinks the billionaire is talking to Jarvis and he possibly is but he has an audience for it because Banner ambles out of the elevator a few seconds after him. From this distance she can’t really tell if the physicist got any sleep but he must have at least showered because he’s in a change of clothes and his hair looks damp.

Stark is already half way up the stairs to the lab but Bruce stops for a second and even though he doesn’t look in her general direction, Natasha’s sure he’s seen her. He quickly follows Tony though. She waits a good five minutes until the two are well ensconced in their work before she decides to make her exit. It almost works out. She’s just at the door leading to the stairs when a shout goes up behind her.

“Nice try, Romanoff,” Stark says.

 He’s at the top of the stairs leading to the lab. She doesn’t really feel up to dealing with Stark, especially without coffee, but she is mooching off the guy, at least for the foreseeable future. He’s never been more than she can handle so she’ll give him some time.  

He crooks his finger at her to approach and it’s a bit too much like their first meeting for her taste. She comes to a stop right in front of him and doesn’t say anything. Natasha can tell it kind of rankles him.

He stares at he for a minute before he starts.

“You look good for somebody’s who’s unemployed.”

He turns and saunters back into the lab and it’s implied that she’ll follow so she does. There’s a coffee maker, thank god, so she heads for that.

Her eyes take in the lab quickly as she stirs some truvia into the coffee. It’s supposed to be impressive and Natasha supposes it is, but she used to work for SHIELD so she’s seen places like this before. It’s in fact very reminiscent of the lab on the helicarrier, only bigger and with more gadgets. Natasha thinks it’s a little too neat for somewhere that Tony Stark does science in. This is most likely Bruce’s space and Tony just visits.

Bruce hasn’t looked up at her since giving a slight nod in her direction when she entered, or at least not that Natasha’s seen. Bruce has his back to her, reading some chart on the glass panel in front of him and making notes. He seems to want her there almost as much as Stark probably does and she can’t really blame his continued wariness but it’s going to get real old real fast.

Stark is polite enough to wait until Natasha takes her first few sips before he starts in on her.

“Didn’t see you at Fury’s funeral,” he says. Stark’s a smart guy so of course he didn’t believe for a second that Nick Fury was dead, but then he wasn’t in that operating room either. “Lovely service but I suppose you had better things to do.”

Tony pulls up some data on a table in front of him. He makes a few notes but is of course still very aware of Natasha. He swishes his changes over to the wall Bruce is working on, and the way Bruce bunches his shoulders tells Natasha this isn’t the first time Tony has interrupted his work like this. Bruce doesn’t seem to really mind, at least this time, as he takes a good look at the data and begins to make his own adjustments.

When Natasha doesn’t say anything after another minute Stark continues.

“How’s your better half? I didn’t see Barton on any of the lists of the dead.”

Stark seems genuine in his concern so Natasha says, “He’s fine. Taking a bit of a rest.”

“And you didn’t feel like joining him? Please tell me there isn’t trouble in paradise. I was really rooting for you kids,” he says crossing his fingers.

Of course Stark thinks her and Clint are an item. Most people at SHIELD did too. Natasha never felt the need to correct anyone and no one ever assumed they were exclusive so it didn’t really stop either of the agents from getting hit on unfortunately. Natasha’s sure if Clint comes down from the farm and they spend more time with the others, Tony will know there’s nothing like that going on in a matter of weeks. Then again it did take him ten years to make a move with Pepper.

 “I guess it’s hard in your line of work. Though that shouldn’t be much of a problem anymore. Are you looking for a job? Cause Pepper’s pretty happy with her PA now, though Hill still doesn’t have one.”

“Tony…” Bruce says over his shoulder still not looking away from his work.

Natasha doesn’t really need Bruce’s intervention; she’s never not been able to handle Tony Stark. Still she smirks into her coffee mug at the way Stark squints at the other man’s back. This doesn’t seem to be the first time this sort of thing has happened either. Stark grumbles about Project Insight being a stupid idea and some other ‘I told you so’ language that Natasha is sure is reserved for Nick Fury, before Stark decides to move on to friendlier topics.

“So what do you think of the building?”

For once she decides to play nice and gives a compliment. Sort of.

“Still as flashy and ego boosting as the last one.”

She’s pretty sure that kink Dr. Banner suddenly has to work out in his neck is to hide a laugh.

“Ha...” Tony says. “It has an ‘A’ on it this time. Way less egotistical.”

Tony’s about to continue but Jarvis breaks in to announce that the jet carrying Ms. Potts has arrived safely and on time and since Pepper has forgone the helicopter she should be at the tower in 42 minutes time given traffic. Tony doesn’t really make a goodbye, but he does share a look with Bruce as if to ask if everything’s fine, and apparently it is because he departs quickly.

Natasha thinks that with Stark gone there will be no real conversation and she’s right for the rest of the time it takes for her to finish her coffee. She can handle the quiet and it’s not like she believes Bruce is being rude. Before the little tête-à-tête in the kitchen yesterday the two of them hadn’t been in the same room alone together for almost two years. Plus there’s the possibility that he might just trust her about as much as Stark does but is too much of a gentleman to be hostile about it.

Bruce finally breaks the silence when she’s turned away putting her empty mug in a nearby almost pristine sink.

“Tony has read all your files,” he says.

Natasha wouldn’t expect anything less from the billionaire. He’s probably read everything dumped ten or eleven times by now.

“Didn’t you?” Natasha asks turning around to face him and he’s actually looking her way.

“No.”

He actually looks offended, but she’s not going to apologize for making the assumption. She doubts she would offer him the same courtesy if she hadn’t had to read his file already for her job.

“I’ve read yours,” she admits.

He nods and doesn’t seem angry about it. Just a little weary.

“I kind of figured,” he said. He does look back at his station now. “Fury wouldn’t send you after me blind.”

“You can read it, if you want. I don’t care.”

And she doesn’t. It’s out there and Natasha thinks she knows Bruce Banner well enough that he wouldn’t hold anything in there against her. He has his own group of bodies to bury and guilt to deal with.

“I don’t really want to,” Bruce says.

“It’d make a hell of a bedtime story,” Natasha says back.

She doesn’t know why but she kind of wishes he would read it. Not everything’s there, only a fraction of what really went on in the early years, but enough to give anybody nightmares. Natasha wants to see his reaction which is a surprise to her because Natasha’s never been big on caring what others think.

 It’s doubtful that Banner would be afraid of her. Bruce probably doesn’t fear much of anything anymore. Anything outside of the destruction he can wrought as the Hulk or what can happen if a certain four star general gets his hands on him and harnesses that destructive force as a weapon.

It would be easier if he read the files and acted like most of the public, but Banner’s nothing if not a man of reason. He’s the better killing machine in the room if he lets himself be and the bigger brain, but he still holds everything back. Maybe even more than Nat ever has.

“I changed my mind,” she says suddenly. He looks up at her again. “Not about the file…I still don’t care about that. I think I’ll stick around for a while. At least until this thing with Loki’s scepter is cleared up.”

He isn’t tense about it so maybe he’s being sincere, but it takes him a long minute to respond.

“That’s…nice.”

Natasha is the one to look away this time when he smiles at her.

The briefings is at 10:30 and is apparently informal as they’re all meeting in the large lounge area under the lab. Thor seems a bit stressed, which just means his smile at seeing Natasha doesn’t quiet meet his eyes and he’s a bit louder than he needs to be.

Steve arrives last even though Stark sent his private jet to get him from D.C where he’d been for the last two days. She doesn’t really get to say more than a hello to the Captain before Agent Carter and Maria Hill get off the elevator and they all agree to start. Nat does notice that Steve’s on edge and doesn’t seem to be looking at Sharon even though she’s the one doing most of the talking.

Thor doesn’t give Sharon much of a chance. He’s angry, even more so than when they were on the helicarrier, but then Thor was only annoyed at most during that event. Loki’s scepter seemed to have affected the God of Thunder the least so it really is a surprise to Natasha that he didn’t have it the whole time.

“Why was it in your possession in the first place?” Thor rumbles.

Natasha imagines she hears thunder in the distance.

“It wasn’t really Asgardian in the first place,” Sharon says. “You didn’t even know where your brother got it from exactly.”

Natasha doesn’t think it will help to point out that Thor’s the genius who forgot and left it on earth, but then she’d forgotten about it too until Hill brought it up. Maybe that was part of its power.

Steve finally decides to shake off whatever mood he’s in and take charge.

“It’s no use blaming each other about it,” he says. “We don’t want to alienate anyone who can help us in the search.”  Steve throws a look Sharon’s way but Natasha is certain he’s actually looking over the agent’s shoulder and not directly at her. “You can help us out right?”

The CIA doesn’t have a bead on the scepter right now, or even a real starting point outside of some intel on what they believe to be a few underground Hydra bases. It’s a mission anyway.

Carter doesn’t stay long after she hands over the computer and paper files and Tony and Bruce start in with those right away. Natasha sifts through some of that with them until she can’t take Steve’s weirdness any longer and drags him downstairs with her for a break. From what she’s looked at she can already tell that they probably won’t be finding the scepter right away. The Hydra bases they do know about are most likely low level with very little to offer.

Natasha figures Steve will be more forthcoming if they leave the building and they start walking. They end up in a Chipotle a few blocks away. Steve’s apparently hungry so they get in line and Natasha decides not to use the kid gloves.

“What’s up with you and Agent Carter?” she asks.

He visibly flinches and the look on his face is a bit too melancholy for whatever she figures could have happened between the two.

“Haven’t you read my file?” Steve asks.

“Contrary to popular belief, Steve, I’m actually not that much of an asshole.”

He looks away and runs his hand through his hair. Man, even sheepish looks good on the guy. He opens his mouth to apologize and she waves him off.

“Why are we here exactly? Cause even with your metabolism it’s barely 11.” He seems like he’s about to apologize for wasting her time so she nips that in the bud. “I just meant get to the point. You’re freaking out about something and don’t try to tell me it’s not about a certain blonde CIA agent.”

Steve narrows his gaze at her.

“I’ve missed you, but do you ever turn that off?”

She doesn’t let it show how much she enjoys that he missed her, nor does she say it back. Maybe she wants to be more open about her feelings in this new life, but baby steps and she’s nowhere near ready to even crawl.

“That being…?”

“Your brain. I mean the way you read everybody. It must be exhausting.”

“Not really. You’re a soldier. You’ve been trained to do things a certain way.” Not the same way as her. Steve wouldn’t be Steve if he’d gone through what she had. Plus he had volunteered. “It’s hard to put it away right?”

He nods.

“I didn’t mean it as a cut,” he says. “I guess I’m doomed to be as easy to read as a book.”

She tilts her head and fixes her gaze right at his and he knows she’s about to say something serious. Because she rarely is serious. Natasha’s actually a giant dork and they both know it.

“You’re not that easy to read actually. My training just makes me a gold medal winner in the reading people Olympics, Rogers. Everyone else just sees Captain America. Golden Boy. The last shield of defense against the bad guys and the monsters. Captain America’s a part of you but it’s not every part.”

He’s actually blushing and it’s adorable. Natasha almost wants to pause to take her phone out and snap a picture.

“Well the Black Widow’s not all of you either,” he says.

She turns away to pretend to study the menu because she sure can dish it out but she can’t really take it. Not yet anyway. Those ‘not yets’ are piling up.

They get to the front of the line and order. Even though it’s barely noon, Natasha orders a burrito loaded with guacamole and that corn salsa she likes.

They take a seat at a table outside because even though there’s still a slight chill in the air this early into spring neither of them mind the cold.

She gets the conversation back on track. Steve’s nervousness is back. And maybe some anger too.

“Did you know when you tried to set me up with her?” he asks.

“That she was an agent. Technically not the first time I met her.”

She’ll give props to Carter. It took Natasha three times to wise up but then again they’d only met for about two minutes each time and Sharon was apparently one of the best if she was made Steve’s handler. Nat actually did read Sharon’s file and not just because she was looking out for Steve or trying to get him a date.

Natasha knew SHIELD would put a handler on Captain America. It was standard protocol. She hardly wanted the job herself plus that wouldn’t have worked anyways with how closely she’d already worked with Steve. Cover handlers were supposed to have as little contact with their subjects as possible. Friendly pleasantries in the hall at best. So of course Nat wanted to blow that to hell. Because even if Steve said he wasn’t looking for anything, he had definitely given ‘Kate’ more than a once over. Plus Natasha can admit now that she might have been working out some passive aggressive behavior towards Fury.

She knew Fury didn’t tell her everything. You could fill the whole of the New York Public Library with what Nick Fury didn’t tell her and still have mountains of it to shove into the one in Brooklyn. That didn’t make it any easier knowing about it.

“Wait you knew she wasn’t a nurse when you told me to ask out the nurse?”

“Semantics. You thought she was cute, admit it. I was there for that stupid bump cute in the hallway last fall. How she worked too much to get a real pet.” She lowered her voice to baritone. “ ‘You should get a goldfish.’.”

“Is that supposed to be me? Cause that’s a horrible me. And that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Peggy.”

Of course Natasha knows who Peggy Carter is and not just from that stupid Ken Burns’ documentary. She just wants to see what Steve has to say about the woman. It’s not about gossip. Steve seems like he sincerely needs to talk this thing out so she play dumb.

“You really haven’t read my file,” he says. “Don’t you know anything about the founding of SHIELD.”

“I didn’t really care, Rogers. All I cared about was that it was supposed to be different.”

Neither of them want to rehash the conversation they had at Sam’s place. There’s really no need for it.

“Peggy Carter started SHIELD. Along with Howard Stark.”

Steve’s certainly saying her name like the woman’s more than just a passing acquaintance.

“Carter’s a common name, Steve.”

SHIELD hadn’t had anything about Sharon Carter’s family besides her parents’ birthdates and a paragraph that mostly consisted of their occupations and past residences.

“It’s not. I mean…They’re related. I only got into New York this morning, but we’ve been back in the states for three days. Peggy’s in a home. She’s…She doesn’t always recognize me.”

Natasha doesn’t know what to say to that and thinks that words would be redundant anyway. So she reaches over and puts a hand on Steve’s shoulder, because Barton’s not her only friend anymore and this is what friend’s do. Steve doesn’t shake her off nor does he look at her. After a few seconds of warmth she moves her hand away.

“This thing with Loki’s scepter… I didn’t know when I’d get to see Peggy again. I didn’t want her to think she was alone.”

And that’s Steve Rogers ladies and gentleman. Even if Peggy Carter can’t remember that he came and it brings neither of them closure he still goes to visit. Even with the pain it must cause him. Because Natasha knows that whether Peggy recognizes him or not, every time it must be like a knife to the gut for Steve.

 “When I went this time, Agent Carter…” He chokes on those word. “Sharon was just leaving. She’s her aunt.”

Natasha lets him wallow for a minute. She eats some of her burrito and sips from her iced tea.

“And…?” she finally says.

Steve’s mouth is agape for a few seconds.

“Did you not hear—.”

“She’s her aunt. So are you mad that Agent Carter didn’t tell you she’s related to your old girlfriend…?” Steve looks like he’s about to protest this moniker but Natasha doesn’t stop. “Cause I don’t think that’s it.” Sure he would have used it as a mark against the CIA agent. “You’re only pretending to still be miffed about the lying to you thing. It was for her job and we’ve both done things we don’t like for our job, Steve. It’s a false strike against her now and you know it.”

Steve doesn’t really want to get into that.

“Did you really just say miffed?”

“I would’ve used pissed but I didn’t want to hurt your delicate sensibilities.”

Steve glares at her.

“I was in the army.”

“And yet you wince every time Tony Stark drops an f-bomb.”

“He uses it a lot. Like he ‘drops’ one every five minutes. It’s uncalled for.”

Nat doesn’t tell him that she thinks Stark only does it that much when Steve’s around to see if he can get a good rise out of the Captain. So far Steve hasn’t taken the bait.

“Look the only reason you’re freaking out…You are freaking out,” she says before he can deny it. “In my opinion the only reason you’re freaking out about any of this is because you actually have some feelings for Sharon.”

The look on Steve’s face and the slump of his shoulders confirms it.

“I wasn’t really asking for your opinion,” he grumbles.

“Then why are you telling me any of this?”

Natasha doesn’t think Steve’s going to actually answer but after another dejected minute he mumbles something out.

“Because when I told Sam he laughed for a full minute and a half.”

 Yep Steve was in good hands with that Wilson character.

“And then he said it looked like I didn’t have any special preference between blonde or brunette. Which left all the redheads for him.”

Flirting with her when she wasn’t even there. That was a new one.

Steve’s not slumped down like a grade schooler waiting to see the principle anymore so Natasha decides to give him a break on all this. God knows it’s like having bamboo shoved under ones fingernails to try to get her to talk about her love life, she’s not about to drag this out on Rogers.

“I knew there was a reason I liked that guy.”

Steve gives her a look and she almost groans.

“Not like that,” she says.

“I didn’t think it was,” Steve says.

Sure, Wilson’s a good fighter and she definitely wouldn’t mind him having her back again anytime soon. Not to mention he’s hot and looks good in a pair of tight jeans. But he seems like a guy who would want more than one night and Natasha’s not sure she can do that right now. Plus Sam seems like a bit of a flirt, which Maria Hill can attest to, and Nat’s sure that if she actually did come on to him he would tell her the same thing she would tell him. She’s good in a fire fight but not exactly his type. She’s not sure what her type is, or if she even has a preference, but she’s pretty sure she wants to steer clear of soldier types for awhile.

Natasha thinks Steve might start in on her about her emotional isolation but then he’s got his own problems in that department so they just sit there for another few minutes. It’s nice. She just might be getting the hang of being a full-fledged human.

When they walk inside the lobby of the tower, Clint is sprawled out on one of the couches in the visiting area with a well-worn familiar duffle bag. Steve sees that the two friends want to be alone so after a few moments chitchat with Clint he heads upstairs alone. Natasha throws Clint’s feet off the couch and takes a seat.

“Really? One day,” she says.

“Are you trying to replace me with Captain America? Cause I actually wouldn’t bitch that much if you were. It’s Captain America,” he says trying to put it off. She just fixes her eyes on him and remains quiet until he finally speaks. He sighs. “I didn’t finish the bathroom before I left.”

He doesn’t want to say anymore and Natasha isn’t about to make him. Instead she leads him to the elevator and fills him in on the situation with Loki’s scepter.

Stark seems pleased to see Clint but then it might just be because he has one more new person to show his tower off to. As soon as Clint stashes his stuff the two of them take over a small space in the lab and go through the same boxes together. No one really talks much that first day or even the next morning. There’s a purpose now and aside from Stark and maybe Thor, repartee doesn’t exactly come easy to any of them. Natasha knows she’s not the only one who’s going through something. It’s going to take awhile to get back to that day in central park for some of them, herself included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I believe Natasha probably knew who Peggy Carter was and just wanted to see Steve's reaction, I don't believe it would be common knowledge at SHEILD (in the MCU) who Sharon's aunt is. She probably went by her code name of Agent 13 so as not to have to live in her aunt's shadow.


	4. Chapter 4

The first week passes quickly enough. Stark makes new tech for them all, Natasha gets a new suit and some electric batons. Clint spends more time on the shooting range with new arrows than is healthy and Nat threatens to call Laura if he doesn’t take a break.

Even though Pepper Potts spends most of her days, even weekends, locked in an office with endless board meetings, the other redhead makes an effort to reconnect with Natasha. Nat thinks some of this is to make up for the less than stellar welcome she got from Stark, who’s starting to thaw. He digs Natasha’s sense of humor and remembers the woman can kill him with her thighs. Apparently Maria and Pepper have a standing date every Thursday for cocktails and Natasha’s promptly invited. She can’t really think of an excuse not to go, nor does she really need one, so she promises that if she’s not away or prepping for a mission she’ll show up.

 She does cut her hair. Very short and she figures she’ll keep it this way for awhile. It makes things easier. Clint pretends like he doesn’t even notice anything different but she gets a text from Laura asking for a selfie, and Stark whistles at her the first time he sees it. Thor asks her if there was a death in her family, which she doesn’t even want to ask him to explain. She catches Bruce staring at her but doesn’t put him on the spot about it. It’s about the same length it was the first time they met so she thinks it must make him uncomfortable.

Or maybe it’s just her in general. Natasha doesn’t take his routine of spending almost every hour in his lab personal. It’s hard to remain unbiased about it though with the few times she’s been up there. It’s maddening because she wanted him to ignore her just a few days before, but then she’s never really been happy about getting her wishes, mostly because she never really makes any.

Natasha can understand his feelings about not wanting her around, but sometimes it seems that that doesn’t matter. That he actually welcomes her presence there, as brief as it always is. She convinces herself that she’s just imagining it and stays away for about a week.

Nothing lasts forever though. Not even a good nights rest.

Madame B doesn’t make an appearance this time around but there’s that same Prokofiev suite playing. She’s outside and it’s night. The building behind her is ablaze and it’s snowing. The light from the flames makes the flakes appear pink and it’s cold and beautiful all at once. Her feet are bare and she has a gun in her hand. She’s walking but she has no idea of her destination. Her footprints fill up with blood. When Natasha looks up at the sky she expects to see stars and she does but that’s not all. The wormhole is open again and a dozen or more of those demon killer whales are coming through.

Her eyes snap open and it takes her longer than she’d like to admit to remember where she is. Just because the nightmares are frequent doesn’t mean they’re easier to take. She practically runs to the bathroom to gulp down a glass of water. Then she has another. She showers and changes into clothes for the day even though it’s barely 5am. Natasha can’t really stand being inside right now so she puts on boots too.

The sun won’t be up for at least another half hour but it’s New York so the streets will never be completely devoid of traffic. This is probably the closest it will get to being this quiet until summer hits with its full intensity and the people who can afford it, and even those who can’t, make their way out of the city.

Besides the Starbucks, there’s another coffee shop/bakery in the same plaza as the tower that has its open sign lit up. Natasha wants some distance and air though, so she walks and ends up about five blocks away. She sits in a window booth in a diner that looks a bit run down and old fashioned, but more the 1970’s than the 1950’s.

There’s a couple of beat cops nursing coffee cups at the counter and an old woman eating an egg sandwich in a booth on the other side of the door, otherwise it’s deserted. Natasha orders a cup of coffee from a girl who looks like she should still be in high school who’s wearing a Thor shirt. Natasha smirks behind her coffee cup.

It’s only been about a week and Natasha’s sure she can’t get anymore restless. She’s looked over as much data about the Hydra bases as she can stand and exhausted both herself and Clint in the gym. Steve and Thor seem to be bonding over who can lift more and though Clint finds it funny, Natasha’s sure one of them is going to end up making some sort of dent in the building sometime soon if they don’t all come to a decision on a Hydra base to hit.

There’s no real cause for it. She’s had to wait months between missions sometimes, either waiting for new intelligence or for medical to give her a clean bill of health both physically and mentally; she’s never had trouble passing a psych evaluation.

It must be the place and people. They’re not at each other’s throats, though Tony is making it his own private mission to try and drive Steve crazy. He knows better than to engage Natasha in that way and Stark actually seems to like Clint, or at least likes making new trick arrows for him. That’s the problem. Natasha knows how to deal with hostility and mistrust. She knows how to mold that into something useful. But she doesn’t want to manipulate the others into liking her. And she honestly does want them to like her.

 Her missions at SHIELD aside, she’s not exactly down with the whole buddy-buddy thing. Natasha is a spy, a killer, underneath it all and that kind of work is done best alone. Clint, and now Steve, slipped past her defenses but the rest of them are trying the same thing at the same time and it’s a little too much to take in. Well Thor is making an attempt anyway. Stark’s still a bit cautious of her and Bruce keeps mostly to himself.

The files didn’t have any data on the exact nature of her training in the Red Room or the first two years they let her out. Clint only knows about a thimbles full worth. Sure she’s good enough to have their backs in a fight and she’s good with a quip and will laugh at almost any bad pun, but that’s not her. Well maybe it is but it’s not the whole. She is a valuable member of this team because she can hold her own, she keeps a cool head, and only takes the stupid risk when it’s necessary, but if they knew how she got that way…

Natasha doesn’t want to think this way. She wants to be a shark, a placid one, moving forward. Steve’s the one who can’t help looking back.

All that rubbish about loving yourself before others can love you…

She loves herself just fine but even the most confidant of people has to allow for self-doubt. Just look at Stark. She’s pretty sure the meltdown she saw at his house party that one time wasn’t the first or the last.

She’s on her second cup of coffee, people watching, and considering whether or not to get her phone out to watch some kitten videos on Youtube to lift her mood when she recognizes someone. He’s across the street with his head down but she has perfect recall and knows that poorly combed patch of curls anywhere. Bruce freaking Banner.

Natasha doesn’t believe in fate. Coincidences even less so. Things happen. She can either run with it or ignore it. It’s a shock to her that she decides to run with this. This being she starts to shadow Bruce Banner to wherever the hell he’s going.

She tries to reason it out by saying she could use the practice. If they are really getting the team back together, or keeping it depending on how you look at it, she needs to keep herself sharp. Which appears to be a real concern because after about two blocks she looses him. He couldn’t have gone past that secondhand bookstore on the corner and she just realizes what must have happened when his voice calls out to her.

“You’re not losing your touch,” he reassures her from the alley behind the bookstore. There’s a second story to the store apparently that he either rents or has business at. It turns out it’s the former.

He’s not mad or at least he isn’t showing it. There’s no green flash to his eyes either. Natasha considers giving a chagrined look but it’s unbecoming to both of them.

“I’d invite you in for coffee but I don’t have a coffee machine. Or a couch or anything.”

“I guess I should apologize,” she says going up the steps and stopping two away from him.

“I should have guessed you would see me. I saw you in the window which is why I didn’t go inside.”

That diner is apparently one of Bruce Banner’s few haunts. Since there’s nowhere to sit inside the crummy apartment they make their way back to the diner and sit in the same booth Nat had only vacated a half an hour prior. Bruce orders breakfast and since she’s starving she does too. It’s a bit surreal, especially since he’s acting like this is a normal occurrence, like he didn’t catch her spying on him. He’s almost as good at it as Natasha is in most circumstances.

“It’s a stash house,” she says watching him cut into an omelet. “There’s nothing there but a passport and some money, right?”

“Something like that,” he says and she gets it.

Of all of them, even her, Bruce has the most to lose and the greatest reason to leave. Like with her condo in Tucson, it doesn’t mean he’s going to run but he probably breathes easier at night knowing it’s there. Tony obviously doesn’t know about the place, which probably means nobody but Bruce does. But he wants somebody to know. That’s why he’s not angry. Natasha doesn’t really know what to do with this show of trust. It’s abnormal when stacked against the awkwardness of the last week that occurred between the two of them.

“I’m not going to tell anybody,” she says finally.

“I’m not worried about that,” he says.

“But you are worried about something…”

He takes his glasses off to clean them and Natasha refrains from telling him to never play poker.

“I’m wondering what you must think of me.”

Which most people worry about in general. She’s surprised by it though. Bruce isn’t the most confidant guy on a good day but that he would have any grief over what she (an admitted liar and killer) would think of him is a little farcical.

“You want me to be honest?” she asks.

“Isn’t that supposed to be the best policy.”

“People always say that,” she says.  She could give him the whole ‘truth is a matter of circumstance’ speal but instead she says, “But people rarely say what they really want. Especially when it comes to what they really want to hear.”

“Well let’s just suppose I’m one of those naïve people,” Bruce says.

“I didn’t say they were naïve.” After a few seconds she answers his previous inquiry “I think you’re very smart.”

Bruce has probably heard that for almost his whole life, or at least the last three years living with Tony, and yet he still can’t seem to take the compliment.

“Is that all?” Bruce asks smiling.

“I’m not afraid of you,” she says frankly.

To say the look he gives her is skeptical is being nice.

“I remember you said you were a good actress…”

“I am,” she says. “Which is basically just a nice way of saying I’m a liar. Which I am.”

“Yet you’re being very forthright right now. Or giving the appearance of it.”

“I don’t get to be very often, at least lately,” she admits. “I’m not acting or lying. I’m not a threat to you and you’re not a threat to me.”

Bruce lets out a scornful laugh.

“The Other Guy though.”

He looks away and she thinks he’s about to apologize for the helicarrier again and she really can’t stand another apology from this man.

“I can manage it,” she says.

He looks at her hard for a few seconds.

“Manage it? What? Your fear?”

“Yes. I’ll probably always be a little bit afraid of the …Other Guy. You’d think I was an idiot if I wasn’t. And isn’t that what you do? Manage your fear and anger.”

“That’s different…” he states.

“Not really.” She leans forward so he can’t look away from her, though they both know he could if he wanted to. “Make up your mind, Banner. You can’t want me to be afraid of you and be comfortable with buying me breakfast. I’m not exactly a wiz at this normal everyday human interaction thing, but I think I’m better at it than you. So either finish your omelet and get out of here and continue to act like you have a problem with me, which I think would be dishonest because you clearly don't for some unfathomable reason. Or tell me which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is your favorite. Though I think I can already guess which one.”

Because as much as Natasha could use the stabilizing influence of friends in her life, Bruce Banner probably needs it even more. Especially since Tony Stark seems to be his only one, God help him.

He smiles and she finds it hard to keep a straight face any longer. He knows she’s not trying to offend him. She can read him almost as well as anybody else, but that doesn’t make her a damn mind reader. Their past history should make him avoid her. See her as part of the problem that got him back into the stress zone. Instead he treats her like…well a human being. He doesn’t seem to see her as an agent or a spy or even a real threat. At least not anymore. Which is a little stupid on his part but also enduring.

They walk back to the tower together and even though he doesn’t ask her to she follows him up to the lab. She’s not designating herself as his bodyguard or anything but it makes her feel good to do it. The lab is empty but Stark’s arrival is probably eminent so once she sees him there safely she makes a witty and quick goodbye.

It doesn’t become a thing. In fact Natasha doesn’t go back to the diner or near the bookstore. She gets into a bit of a routine but it doesn’t include going to the lab everyday, at least not this early. Banner doesn’t exactly seek her out either but when they do meet now he’s not standoffish and he seems to appreciate her jokes, which is more than she can say for Steve.

Natasha was also right about which turtle was Bruce’s favorite: Donatello.

Her routine isn’t exactly the same as when she worked at SHIELD, nor is it set in stone. If there’s no mission she rises early, because even if it’s been a good night she’s never been one to lounge in bed. It would be nice to be able to learn to do that though. She either works out or spars with Clint or Steve. Her preference for Clint as a partner isn’t just habit. Steve knows her capabilities but still holds back, afraid of hurting her, even after she’s landed him on his ass half a dozen times.

Steve’s a good running partner though. Natasha’s not stupid enough to try and burn her lungs up trying to out distance him but he keeps her motivated and going. Natasha actually hates running if it’s not absolutely necessary. Plus she teases Wilson to try and get him up to New York by sending him pics of the two of them. Sam hasn’t taken the bait yet.

It’s close enough to what she had when she worked for SHIELD. Same people. Newer facilities. She doesn’t feel that constant need to bolt, at least not during daylight hours. It’s different but the same.

Natasha understands Clint even better now. The farm and his family was always something he wanted and needed and she could see that. Natasha never fully understood it until now. Clint doesn’t just love Laura and the life he built with her because it’s so different from his work life. It’s not a cage or a burden. It’s a tether that brings him back from the darkest parts of the job. She envies him a bit but she knows that she couldn’t really be the picket fence homesteader like Clint. Before now though she didn’t consider any other option besides being an assassin. Even with the battle of New York she had her doubts. Anything else would be too unattainable or bore her. Being an Avenger full time now though…

It’s not going to last forever but for the first time in her existence she considers that she might have time for other things besides just waiting for a bullet to put her down.


	5. Chapter 5

 Natasha was pretty much spot on about the CIA intel. The first few bases they hit are all but abandoned and Natasha doesn’t even break a sweat. Clint does but only because he didn’t see the second trip wire at that one base, which sets off two separate explosions and burns the already hollow shell to the ground. Clint has only minor burns, nothing he hasn’t had before. Still Nat gives him a break and e-mails Laura about it for him.

“It looked cool though, right?” he asks when they’re in the quinjet headed back. “Like if it was in slowmo that would have been the shot they showed in a movie preview.”

“Very cool,” Bruce says while patching him up. He might not be that kind of doctor but he knows enough to be of use. “Right up until you started screaming ‘Ow! Ow! Mommy!’”

Natasha doesn’t care about sparing Clint’s feelings and laughs.

 Banner’s humor is just one of the things she’s noticed in the last couple weeks, along with Thor’s love of pop tarts and 90’s music and learning not to mention the movie _Tron_ in front of Tony unless you want him to go off on some weird critique tangent. Bruce’s sense of humor is subtle, even more so than Steve’s if that’s possible, like the guy himself. They haven’t had to call a Code Green yet so it’s been making a regular appearance over the last couple of weeks.

The next base they take down doesn’t have the scepter either but it may have some pertinent data. There’s a bigger presence of bad guys then the last few places. It’s in the heart of Paris so a Code Green is out, as are Thor and Iron Man. The French government isn’t exactly a problem for the Avengers but Natasha agrees with Steve’s call that they need to go stealth on this mission. It’s situated in a pretty heavily populated area in what appears to be a dilapidated apartment building that’s been scheduled to be demolished for the last seven years. The building is in a pretty bad neighborhood so no one seems to question why it’s still standing.

Natasha and Clint spent the last twenty-six hours in another barely livable apartment across the way from the place staking it out. It almost feels like old times, except Stark gives them even better gadgets than SHIELD and neither of them really want to pick up any of the old games they used to play before. The sting is still too fresh.

There are about twenty people in the place at any one time and about half of those are scientist or other kind of laymen.

“Hawkeye, I told you to keep the comm. clear,” Captain America hisses from besides Black Widow.

Clint’s on the roof opposite of the apartment building. Natasha and Steve are waiting for his signal that the place has gone into lockdown for the night. There will only be about thirteen people there then and only about six of them will be any kind of physical threat.

“You can be honest, Cap,” Clint says. “You’re just not a Taylor Swift fan. I won’t hold it against you.”

Nat can’t see Steve’s face but she can see his shoulders tense. She knows he’s trying not to laugh because Steve knows by now that that will only encourage the archer.

“Can I just say…” Stark breaks in, “…that this sucks.”

“Keep the comms clear. That means you guys, too,” Steve says grinding his teeth.

He’s not really that upset about it, he’s just sick of hearing Tony bitch. They’re going for quiet and that isn’t really Iron Man’s style, or Thor’s.

Stark and Thor are on a rooftop a block over, waiting. Banner is back at the ritzy hotel Tony had checked them all into. When Natasha pointed out that this was a waste of a trip for the guy and money, assuming Bruce would much rather be left alone in his lab than have to fly across an ocean for no real reason, Tony argued that even if the scepter wasn’t going to be there they all deserved a vacation after this job.

Natasha thought Steve and Thor might disagree, but it turns out Steve wants to see some of the sights.

“Last time I was in France it was kind of occupied by Nazis.”

Jane Foster is apparently giving a lecture at Oxford University and will have a few days off before she has to be in Brussels so Thor’s pretty down with taking a respite, as he put it.

Natasha’s been to the city of lights several times before, but she’s never exactly done the tourist thing so she agrees to go sight seeing with Steve whenever they get this mission finished. She’s actually looking foreword to it.

With Clint perched on the roof opposite taking out anyone who is stupid enough to step in front of a window, it only takes Nat and Steve about five minutes to secure the whole place.

When Stark finally gets there he glares at her because she’s already decrypted and started downloading all of the files.

“Go make yourself useful somewhere else,” she says to him.

The scepter may not be there but they aren’t exactly left empty handed. There’s communications between one of the Hydra scientists and another outside source which look promising. There’s also the files on the human testing trials this place was doing.

“No survivors,” Steve says looking over her shoulder at the computer screen as she’s skimming them herself. His voice may sound hollow but she doesn’t need to see the set of his jaw to know he’s angry. Natasha will never voluntarily admit to agreeing with Stark, but a few days off in a different city might just be the right call.

                                                -------

Clint refuses to come to the door when Natasha knocks and she knows he must have stayed up until the early hours to skype with Laura and the kids. He wasn’t that interested in sight seeing anyways so she flips the do not disturb sign right way up and yells at him through the door to eat something.

She meets Steve in the elevator and he tells her that Jane Foster and Thor have shown interest in coming and are already down in the lobby waiting. He seems apologetic about it.

“Did you think I’d have a problem with them coming?”

Out of all the Avengers, Thor is the one she’s spent the least time with one on one but that’s hardly because she hates the guy. It’s kind of hard not to like him or at least admire him. She’s never actually met Jane Foster but Thor talks about her enough that Natasha feels like she could give a detailed report on the woman.

“I don’t know,” Steve says honestly. “Group activities aren’t really your thing, are they?”

“Well isn’t today about trying new things,” she says slipping her sunglasses on her head for easy access.

“That might explain the outfit,” Steve says glaring at her shirt.

Natasha’s wearing a tank top with his shield emblem on it. She grins at him.

“I thought you’d like it. And you can’t rag on my wardrobe. You’re wearing cargo shorts, Rogers.”

And a baseball cap which isn’t really going to do squat if he gets recognized and Natasha almost feels like getting him another pair of oversized hipster glasses to wear.

Thor and Jane are waiting by the front desk for them. It’s ridiculous how good Thor looks in human clothes and he’s rocking the baseball cap look as well, which is just as inconspicuous on him as it is on Steve. Jane Foster doesn’t exactly look like the world’s top astrophysicist either. She’s wearing a lime green sundress and wide brimmed straw hat and is clutching a guidebook like it’s a bible. Thor waves to them and gives a loud greeting. Jane has a nervous smile as the introductions are made and Natasha makes a note to try and not be her usual aloof self.

“We just have to wait for Dr. Banner,” Steve says.

This is news to Natasha but not really unwelcome. She looks over at the other two, more specifically Jane, to see how they’ll take it. Jane’s actually beaming.

“Dr. Banner’s coming? I actually wanted to talk to him about one of his past papers. The one—“ Thor cuts her off.

“Jane, this is supposed to be a holiday, is it not? You promised no talk of science.”

Jane Foster glares at her boyfriend and gestures between Steve and Thor.

“Then you two can’t talk about Avenger stuff. I don’t want to hear about which is better: the hammer or the shield.”

“It’s obviously Mjölnir,” Thor mutters.

“Oh really?” Steve says.

Jane pushes in-between them, waving her hands.

“Uh-uh. If I’m not allowed to talk to one of the leading minds in ion collision and gamma radiation about his work, you two are not allowed to have that stupid argument again,” she says. She looks over at Natasha. “Don’t you get tired of these guys?”

“Constantly.”

Natasha thinks it won’t be so bad hanging out with Jane Foster.

Bruce is there a few moments later and the five of them leave the hotel. Jane’s guidebook has a map of the city built in and she’s already circled some of the sites and made an itinerary.

“But we can do whatever you guys want,” she says. “I’m open to anything.”

They decide to hit the Louvre first before the rush of the afternoon. The museum is only about a half mile from the hotel. Everyone’s in pretty good shape and Banner is not one to take public mass transit so they walk. It’s early morning on a weekend so there’s not much foot traffic yet and even though they have a set destination none of them seem in any hurry. The city itself is something to look at. 

Jane has the map, so as the designated navigator she walks in front, humming and looking at street signs. Thor and Steve are only a few steps behind her and Thor is apparently telling Steve about the finer points of a game children play on Asgard. That leaves Nat and Bruce bringing up the rear. They don’t talk and Natasha in fact keeps a few steps behind him.

When they have to wait at curb for a light to change to cross he turns to her though.

“Stop it,” he says and she’s actually surprised.

Natasha didn’t even realize what she was doing but she’s been shadowing him like in the old days. Like on the helicarrier. Looking at threats on the outside (pedestrians) that could set him off and checking for the closest way out in case she needs to draw him away from the population. Neutralization is basically a pipe dream.

“Sorry,” Natasha says and she means it. “It’s hard to shut down.”

He seems to understand that and doesn’t show her any hostility. He smiles and she’s getting used to them even if he doesn’t do it very often.

“I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t think I could handle it,” he says.

She gives him a wicked grin.

“You could’ve just saved yourself the trouble. Stayed holed up at the hotel watching French soap operas with Stark.”

He doesn’t exactly laugh and that maddens Natasha. He’ll smile or make a small snuffling sound but getting Bruce Banner to actually guffaw is like pulling teeth.

“Why do you think I’m here,” Bruce says. “You definitely would have something to worry about if I spent all day locked up in the hotel with Tony.”

It’s safe for them to cross and they’ve actually fallen behind more than a few steps. Natasha catches Steve starring at them for a long moment before he turns back to ask Jane about something she’s reading aloud from her guidebook.

“I thought you two were best buddies. Is this your way of saying you’re going to give him back his friendship bracelet?”

“We’re fine. It’s just that if Pepper’s not around or he doesn’t have his workshop or something to rip apart he tends to talk.” Natasha fakes shock. “I mean this is worse. I’ve tried to tell him I’m not a therapist…”

Natasha doesn’t let him finish because she’s chuckling too hard. They walk side by side now, basically in silence. They’re within site of the main courtyard leading to the entrance of the museum when she notices a shift in Banner’s demeanor. He’s looking at her and he falters in step and then quickly rights himself and tries to act like nothings wrong. It doesn’t take her any time at all to guess what’s up. His gaze had landed on her shoulder and her tank top doesn’t exactly cover up the wound all the way when she’s in motion. Natasha knows from experience that the scar the Winter Soldier gave her at the bridge that day will fade with time, but right now it seems as if it’s a blinking red beacon. Steve’s eyes had landed on it earlier in the elevator but he had kept his face cool and his comments or condolences to himself. Bruce doesn’t say anything either and it’s not like it would be the first gun shot he’s seen she’s sure. But it makes him uneasy and Natasha doesn’t want him to draw back into himself, so she gives him a smile and says, “You should see the other guy. No really… he’s got a metal arm. And tell Steve if you do. He’s looking for him.”

Bruce doesn’t smile back but some of the tension slides away.

“I saw some of the news reports…”

“Not exaggerated.” She looked over at Steve’s back, where he was already getting in line and Bruce does too. “Cap is not the only 1940’s super soldier special anymore.”

“Must be hard on him,” Bruce says.

“He’s not exactly trying to make it easier on himself.”

Not that any of the rest of them would if they were in Steve’s shoes. She doesn’t say anymore than that because aside from the gun shot it’s not her pain to share and this is supposed to be a vacation damnit. Not that Bruce pushes her for information either and he in fact changes the subject to comment on the glass pyramid at the entrance of the museum and asks Jane to see if she can tell anything about them from her guidebook.

They spend about four hours in the museum and still don’t see everything. Natasha isn’t a big art fan, though she’s been an art dealer as a cover more than a few times and picked up a few things, but she doesn’t have Steve’s artistic eye or Jane’s wonder and guidebook.

Steve and Jane wait in the line to see the Mona Lisa up close but Natasha’s not very impressed with what she can see from the back of the room so she passes. Thor drags Bruce and Natasha to the Department of Sculptures to look at the Greek and Roman marbles and bronzes. Natasha and the God of Thunder get competitive about who can get closest to the statues and actually touch a part of them the longest without any of the staff noticing. Natasha’s better at it of course; Thor sticks out. Bruce makes them stop before they get them all thrown out, but she can see he’s trying very hard not to smile about it.

She buys a postcard depicting the marble sculpture of Psyche and Cupid for the collection Cooper and Lila have started and buys a Venus de Milo refrigerator magnet for the farmhouse.

They have to cross over the river to get to the Eiffel Tower and they take the stairs to the first two of three levels. It’s over 600 steps so they’re all more than ready to take a break before getting on the elevator to go to the top. They sit for a bit and get iced coffee, though Bruce’s is decaf and Thor’s has more pumps of vanilla syrup in it than Natasha thinks is healthy. Jane is snapping pictures and both the view and them and Natasha makes bunny ears behind Steve’s head in every picture until he moves away to pretend to check out the view.

The second floor has a souvenir shop and Natasha buys a snow globe for Lila and a shirt for Cooper.

“Who’s the shirt for?” Steve asks.

It’s not like she was being sneaky about it. She doubts Steve would believe her if she told him the truth.

“It’s for me,” she says.

“That’s a kid size, Natasha.”

“I thought I’d take a page from your book and start wearing shirts that are way too small for me. It’s a really good look on you.”

When Steve walks off, Jane, who was looking at some mugs right next to the two, says “Oh my god. I wasn’t going to say anything… But the shirt thing. He was laughing earlier and I seriously though he was going to rip a seam.”

“Barton thinks that the interns who were in charge of washing and stocking the uniforms in lockers would give Cap smaller sizes on purpose. I was surprised none of them tried to mess with his pants so they’d split.”

They take the elevator back down.

“Tired?” she asks Bruce. He is looking a little worn around the edges. They’ve been on their feet most of the day and the heats picking up.

“No,” he says and tries not to falter under her glance. “Fine. A little but I’m actually in relatively good shape for a normal guy when not compared to Gods or super soldiers.”

“Don’t forget astrophysicist,” Natasha says.

“Or secret agents,” Jane says not looking up from fiddling with her camera.

“Those too,” Bruce says. “I am perfectly healthy…except for the obvious thing…”

Which isn’t really obvious and of all of them, including Jane, Bruce Banner is the least likely to be recognized which is what happens with Thor right in the elevator, because he’s Thor. You couldn’t hide the guy with an invisibility cloak.

While Thor is taking pictures with a family of four from Australia, Jane takes an opportunity to look over her map. The brunette is feeling the heat a bit too and recommends that they head back to the hotel for a rest because it’s technically on the way to the next item on her list: the Sacré-Cœur Basilica, a Catholic church built on the highest point of the city. Natasha’s seen it from afar but never been inside.

She finds that Clint’s not only showered and eaten something from room service, but he’s also gone out sometime in her absence, seeing the shopping bags he has by his worn out duffle.

“Did you get Laura something good?” she asks.

“Damn right. This is the third time I’ve been in this city without my wife.”

“She’d probably prefer you take her to Venice anyway,” Natasha says.  “Besides you took her to Tahiti for your anniversary two years ago. She gets it.”

“Yeah,” Clint says, but he doesn’t seem to want to let it go. “I don’t always.”

He needs to get out of his own head for awhile so Natasha strong arms him in to tagging along. They’re waiting for the others outside the hotel and Bruce shows up first.

“Stark didn’t want to come with?” she asks.

“Yeah, not so much. But he says he’s making the rest of us all have dinner together or at least drinks.”

“As long as he’s picking up the tab,” Clint says over his shoulder.

He’s got this little smile on his face and Natasha follows his sight line. She rolls her eyes.

“Want me to tell you how to say ‘Can I pet your dog’ in French?” she asks.

“I already know that,” Clint says.

Because Clint’s actually crap at languages but of course that’s the one praise he remembers from almost every lesson she’s tried to give him in most of the basic romantic languages. Natasha’s not, but Bruce is a little shocked that Clint actually walks over to a complete stranger and apparently asks clearly enough to pet the woman’s dog, because a moment later Hawkeye is crouched down scratching behind the dog’s ears. It looks like some kind of collie mix to Natasha.

“He really likes dogs,” Bruce says. Natasha just nods. “He’s tried to convince Tony to let him get one to keep at the tower.”

“Everyone else will have to take care of it,” Natasha says.

“Yeah, I don’t think you have to worry. Tony’s not exactly a dog person.”

The woman’s obviously flirting with Clint now, even to someone who can’t read lips like Natasha can. Clint plays dumb because he might actually be oblivious to it what with the language barrier but also because Clint is one of those married guys who doesn’t need another woman’s opinion outside of his wife’s; though sometimes Nat throws him a bone. Also, Clint is seriously more interested in the dog. Natasha might have to actually go over and pry his hands off the animal once the others show up.

“You’re not together,” Bruce says, and it might not be exactly out of the blue, but Natasha is surprised he actually said it. The look on his face says he is too.

“Did you think we were?” she asks. He won’t look at her so she steps closer into his space because she knows that’s the one thing that will get him to react. She makes her posture relaxed and she’s not exactly smiling but she makes sure to show that she doesn’t mind talking about it.

“Not really,” he says. “I didn’t give it much thought back…before.”

“I’m not really his type,” Natasha says.

And clearly the athletic blond dog owner isn’t either because Clint has wised up a bit and is letting her down easy.

“If you wanted to know if I’m single, you could’ve just asked, Doc?” she says and he doesn’t really take in her playful smile.

“What? No… I wasn’t…That’s not…”

He’s not exactly blushing but the look he’s got is still adorable. Bruce isn’t as fun for her to wind up as Steve and it’s not like that’s what she actually wants to do, because that would be almost suicidal given the Other Guy. But he’s just so damn calm all the time that Natasha can’t help but want to ruffle his feathers so to speak. He finally catches on.

“You’re teasing me,” he says and she grins wider. “I guess I deserved that. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“You really need to get out of the habit of apologizing for everything. Especially when you didn’t do anything. Almost every single secret I’ve ever had was dumped onto the internet months ago. I’m a bit of an open book right now.” Which Bruce doesn’t believe for a second. “Clint’s the one who’s got all the secrets.”

Bruce shakes his head at her, thinking she’s still putting him on.

“Yeah he’s a real hard egg to crack.”

“Well you don’t know anything about his wife and two kids he keeps holed up in the country.”

It’s one of those truths none of them will believe because Clint plays the goofball or the expert marksman around the rest of them. Hell the rest of them probably wouldn’t believe it of Hawkeye even if he invited them down to the farm for a weekend barbeque. Not that he’s going to do that, but Natasha thinks Clint is starting to feel something almost like guilt about not telling the rest of the team. He trusts them but not that much and if he brings it up Natasha will actually talk him out of it. It’ll be more than just the Bartons’ safety she’s thinking of; she’s more than a bit possessive of them all.

Bruce actually does laugh and of course it’s this that gets him to. It’s a small victory and a small chuckle but it makes her smile in return. He obviously still thinks she’s playing with him.

“What do they live on a farm?”

Natasha has to bite her lip or she’ll break apart laughing. She sees Steve coming out of the hotel and waves to him to get his attention but turns her focus back to Bruce right away.

“Exactly. They have a couple of cows and chickens. And Clint built most of the house with his own two hands.”

That doesn’t get her another laugh but a smile and a confused look from Steve.

“What are you guys talking about?” he asks.

“Clint’s love life,” Natasha says as her best friend finally comes back over. She brushes some dog hair off him and he bats her hand away.

“Why would we want to talk about something so depressing?” Clint says. He has his back to the other two and throws her a wink. “Especially when a certain someone had a coffee date with a hot blond CIA agent the morning before we left New York.”

“Really?” Nat says turning a grin on Steve.

Steve has the best deer-caught-in-headlights look, hands down.

“I told you that wasn’t a date,” Steve says to Clint. “She was already in line when I went in and it would’ve been rude not to say hi.”

“Yeah,” Clint says. “And you were only sitting at a table with her because their was no where else to sit?”

“Yes actually.”

“You hate Starbucks, Steve,” Natasha says.

“I hate a lot of things,” Steve says pinching the bridge of his nose, which he usually only does when talking to Stark, so bonus points to Clint and Natasha.

“Give the guy a break,” Bruce says, ever the peacemaker, but he’s smiling. “It’s been what? Seventy years? I’m impressed you still put yourself out there.”

Natasha doesn’t just laugh to encourage him and Clint looks like he wants to shake Bruce’s hand.

“Banner just made a potshot at Captain America,” Clint says. “This is the best vacation ever.”

Steve takes it in stride though.

“Why exactly am I the pot?” he asks.

“Cause Stark isn’t here,” Natasha says.

“Plus you can’t threaten to evict us when we make jokes at your expense,” Clint says.

“No, I can just make you do more practice drills,” Steve says and Clint winces.  
Thor and Jane come out though so they move on, both topically and geographically.

Clint does try to bring up the thing about Steve and Agent Carter while he’s walking by her and Banner though.  

“So we’re not thinking it’s weird that he’s keeping it in the family?” Natasha reaches over and pinches Clint under his armpit. “Ow! I mean no… We’re not thinking it’s weird. Who hasn’t wanted to date a hot CIA agent who could’ve been their niece— Ow! Seriously, Nat, it’s going to bruise.”

The Sacré-Cœur Basilica is beautiful and the view is better from down the hill and she doesn’t really spend much time inside; Natasha’s not much for churches but at least she’s not as twitchy as Clint. They walk back down the hill and get ice cream at a place right next to the carousel. Clint, Thor, and Jane take a ride on the carousel and Steve snaps some pictures of them with Jane’s camera.

Bruce’s phone buzzes with a text message and Natasha can guess who from.

“Tony?”

“He wants to know where we all are? His exact words are ‘Did you dorks abandon me?’”

“What’s he been doing for the last nine hours?” Steve asks.

“Besides raiding the minifridge in both his and my room? He was working on schematics…which he drew on the glass coffee table in my room,” Bruce says.

“New suits?” Natasha asks.

“Something like that.”

They don’t make Stark wait much longer, because the sun is going down soon and it’s been a long day. Overall Natasha likes the tourist thing when it’s not just a cover. Like with the farm though she couldn’t do it for long. Maybe a bit longer if it was a beach and definitely if she has the same good company she’s had today.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter for violence

Jane and Thor nix meeting the others for drinks, which if Natasha had to be on a train the next morning she would opt for staying in with her boyfriend too, especially since it’s Thor. Stark isn’t as forgiving and Natasha gets out of her shower to three different texts from the man saying she better not be flaking out too and to make sure Cap and Clint don’t either.

Steve is already in the bar sitting at table. The place is pretty nice. Steve had the same idea as her, he’s changed into jeans and his hair is damp. He’s ordered a beer, which is basically for show because Natasha knows he can’t get drunk. Thor swears that he’s going to bring some spirits from Asgard that will put the super soldier on his ass one of these days.

“No more sight seeing tomorrow?” she asks.

Steve shakes his head.

“We should get back. We could all use a longer break though. We’ve been hitting Hydra pretty hard.”

They’re basically garbage men right now and there’s no end in sight or sign of the scepter. Natasha doesn’t mind so much, but she can tell Thor does. Seeing Jane seemed to help the Asgardian with his anger and disappointment though. It’s a job and they’re doing it well and the fractured bits of Hydra have to be feeling some tight squeeze but it’s not exactly what the God is there for.

 “Stark apparently wants to get back to work on something in his lab….” Steve continues.

“And you have your own side operation,” Natasha says.

Steve doesn’t talk about it unless she asks and she rarely does that because she sees how it makes him. He’s not losing hope exactly, not yet, but it weighs on him more than anything else she’s seen him deal with, which is saying something. Natasha would offer more of her services just to see if she could make a dent in the progress, but she figures this is something Steve has to do on his own (with Sam). Natasha knows Steve wants to bring his lost buddy in and if she tags along and sees that this might not be a safe possibility, she’s not sure she wouldn’t take the Winter Soldier out. Natasha’s not sure she could make the same call Clint did. She wants to believe the best of herself but she’s never been much for dealing in hypotheticals, so she pushes the idea away.

They don’t really have to think of a subject change because Clint arrives, stuffing his phone in his pocket. With the time difference it’s too early for him to have been talking to the kids, but Laura’s never been one to not answer the phone. She was probably waiting up for it.

“So we’re sure Stark is paying right?” Clint asks.

“I’m pretty sure he owns the hotel,” Steve says.

“If you get drunk I’m not holding your hair back,” Natasha quips.

“I’ll just ask Steve to do it,” Clint says.

Steve just rolls his eyes at the two and hands his beer over to Clint because he hasn’t actually taken a drink from it.

“You don’t want me to make you one of those girly drinks?” Natasha asks him.

“Hey, you like those too,” Clint says after taking a sip of the beer. “And don’t tell me you’re going to con your way behind the bar.”

“I wouldn’t really call it a con,” Natasha says. “Maybe they’ll hire me. I don’t mind working for tips.”

“Good to hear,” Stark says making his presence known. Bruce isn’t with him but it’s doubtful Tony is going to let him skip out on this either. “Whiskey neat, to start with. The stuff under the bar, not on display.” He looks at Clint and Steve. “Make it three.”

“That’s going to be wasted on me,” Steve says.

“I’ll drink it,” Clint and Tony say at the same time.

Natasha doesn’t wait to see how the two boys settle things and heads for the bar. The bartender doesn’t exactly mind Natasha’s presence, especially when she tells him who she’s with. The guy takes a cigarette break since there’s not much traffic right now. There’s a waitress on staff as well and Natasha’s pretty sure the woman’s first language isn’t French with the accent she has; Natasha can hear the Hague in her vowels. The blond is competent enough to serve the drinks though and Nat gives her props for not being star struck when she takes the tray of whiskeys over, since it’s obvious she can see who Tony is and then naturally deduces who Steve is. Clint is used to being overlooked and Nat knows he honestly prefers it.

Natasha makes her own drink and yes some might consider it girly but Nat is not really in the mood to drink something heavy. She’s gotten into the habit of mixing her own drinks or watching someone else do it like a hawk watching prey. Occupational hazard.

The barkeep comes back smelling of menthols, but a businesswoman ordering a white wine saves her from having to make conversation with him. Bruce entering the bar further saves her. He bypasses the table the other three are at because Tony is trying to embarrass Steve to the waitress with some story of the greatness of Captain America. He might also be trying to steal Natasha’s stick of trying to set Steve up from the looks of it.

“Are you supposed to be back there?” Bruce asks taking a seat.

Natasha nods her head in the direction of the barkeep.

“He doesn’t seem to mind.”

He’s changed too and shaved just recently. His aftershave has a base note of ambrette, which reminds Natasha of their first meeting since that flower is so common in India.  

“What’s your poison, mister?” she asks curving her mouth into a smile and tapping a finger on the bar.

It has the desired affect. His shoulders slump in relaxation and he gives his own brief smile in return.

“Not alcohol,” he answers.

It’s not a surprise that he doesn’t drink. It’s expected really. Nat supposes he could hold his liquor but why risk it?

He’s still a bit uncomfortable that’s for sure. His smile is tight. She knows it has nothing to do with her or so she hopes. This doesn’t exactly seem to be his scene and early morning walks to second hand bookstores aside, Bruce doesn’t get out of the tower much.

Natasha wants to be his friend she realizes, not just to make things easier on the job or for the man’s own comfort. She actually likes the guy. Sure Bruce has Tony and by extension Pepper, but she knows enough of her own loneliness and self-pity to recognize it in others. He might like to stay in the tower because Tony gives him the best gadgets and its seems to be plausibly safer than being on the run, but she knows what a self-imposed exile looks like. He thinks he’s a monster and while the Hulk might be, Dr. Banner certainly is not. What’s happened to him is a tragedy and sad, but he’s not, at least most of the time. And the Hulk definitely isn’t the only monster on the team. If Natasha could find the words to describe some of the things the handlers had made prepubescent girls do to each other in the Red Room, she’s pretty sure that just a sliver of that would be enough to set off Code Greens for a hundred years. 

Natasha doesn’t say anything. If Bruce wants a conversation he can start it. She busies herself by making another cocktail, this one sans alcohol. It’ll taste just as sweet though. She plops the cherry in it and slides it across the bar to him.

“No alcohol,” she says.

He smiles, a real easy one eye crinkles and all, and takes a sip.

“Not your taste?” she asks seeing his face.

He tries to cover.

“No. It’s good. I guess I’m just not used to it. I’m mostly a green tea or water kind of guy.”

He raises the glass again in a mini salute to her.

“Here’s mud in your eye,” and takes another sip.

Tony saunters over and apparently heard Bruce. He looks between them.

“What are you two recreating a Bogart and Bacall flick?”

Natasha actually loves old movie. Her and Laura watch them all the time, though Nat can’t sit through a silent film unlike Mrs. Barton. Whenever Turner Classic Movies has their 30 Days of Oscar or Summer With the Stars lineup, Clint complains he can’t fit anything on the DVR because of the two of them.

“If you prefer we could always do Spencer and Hepburn,” Natasha says and is rewarded with a smile from Bruce.

“I always liked them better,” Bruce says.

“Oh please,” Tony rolls his eyes. He shoots a look at Natasha. “Is that where you learned all your tricks?”

Tony doesn’t wait for an answer or acknowledge the frown Bruce throws his way. Instead he picks up the cocktail Nat made for Bruce and drinks the rest of it in one swallow. He grimaces for a second when he realizes there’s no alcohol in it. That doesn’t dampen his enjoyment of the drink any less though. 

“Two more of those, but with whatever libation you have in yours.”

“I thought you didn’t want to get drunk tonight, Tony,” Bruce reminds his friend.

“No, what I actually said was I didn’t want to be hung-over. This is me we’re talking about, Bruce. This will not get me drunk.”

Tony stays to watch Natasha make the drinks and for some reason this perturbs her because she knows any conversation with Bruce is impossible. Anything of merit anyway. She can dwell on the idea of her annoyance later and she does when trying to fall asleep in the hotel bed that’s even softer than the one in the tower, complete with 900 thread count sheets.

“Okay I will seriously hire you to be the bartender at all major functions from now on,” Tony says. “Which reminds me you and Hawkeye have got to sign some papers. And help me convince Cap to too.”

She raises a crimson eyebrow at him.

“Employment contract. If you want health coverage, not to mention dental, you need to sign something. Plus I’ll throw in a nice stipend package. Bruce signed one.”

“No, not the first one you gave me,” Bruce says. “I’m freelance. But I do actual work for your company, Tony.”

“Yeah you do.” Tony smiles. “But you’ve barely made a dent in the budget I gave you. And what do you spend on clothes? Don’t answer that. I’m pretty sure I know.”

“I’m not working for you,” Natasha says.

She’s not even being playful about all this.

“It’s just a piece of paper. I’m good enough for Hill to work for.”

Natasha doesn’t comment on that.

“I’m not taking your money, Tony,” she says and gives him a hard stare to let him know this topic needs to be put down.

“I tend to admire people more when they say that, but then I get disappointed because they’re usually full of shit.”

Tony takes a sip of one of the drinks she made him and throws Bruce a look before he walks off. After a moment Bruce clears his throat.

“He thinks you, all of you, will keep in touch if you owe him one or something.”

“He wants to buy our friendship?”

It’s more the fact that Stark actually wants to be friends with her than the money part that shocks Natasha.

“Something like that. Can I just get a water?”

She gets him a glass and watches him take a sip before she gets back to the conversation.

“What did you mean in touch?”

“This all…” He gestures. The team, he means. “It’s got to end sometime right? That’s what Tony thinks.”

Natasha’s not so sure. There’s always a next mission. She doesn’t exactly like it, but that’s the truth.

“What do you think?” she asks him.

“We’ll find the scepter eventually right?”

Though it doesn’t seem like it with what they’ve been doing so far. Good work, but no closer to an end game. Stark can’t plan his retirement party just yet.

Bruce’s tone doesn’t convey optimism either. So far they haven’t had to call a Code Green, but that’s most likely not going to remain the case. .

She takes a sip of her drink before asking her question and smiles around the rim of the glass at the way Bruce watches her throat work as she swallows, but he quickly looks away. She saves thinking about what her smile means for later on as well.

“Why are you here? On the team?” she asks. “Fury’s gone. No one’s making you do this.”

Because it’s obvious he doesn’t really want to be of use in the way he was before.  Hydra will have more than a few surprises waiting for them down the line if the files she saw are any indication. She wants to be clear because she thinks they’ll need him, both Banner and the Hulk. Like Natasha told Steve, she doesn’t actually know everything and she thinks she knows the answers to this whole thing with Bruce, but she needs to ask. Like the want of it will keep her up at night more than knowing the answer will. As if it’s a knife shoved between her ribs.

   “You act like you hate it—.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Bruce breaks in. “Being …that. Doing those things….”

He’s not happy to be talking about this but it seems like he has a special need of his own that requires exorcizing too.

“I know a lot of people who wouldn’t mind,” she says.

Because it’s true. There are a lot of people out there who would gladly give up what little humanity they might still retain, if they ever had any to begin with, not to mention all their weakness, for that raw power and carnal rage. People who would relish the killing.

“You might need to start hanging out with a different crowd, Romanoff.”

It draws her heckles up that he uses her last name. He’s trying to distance himself, which is her move, but she doesn’t exactly feel like shutting this thing down right now.

“But you’re here. You show up.”

“So do you,” he says.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

His eyes are bright and he’s not smiling but he doesn’t have that serious stoic look he gets 92% of the time. He’s bent over the bar and she almost feels like moving her body forward towards him. Natasha can’t look at him anymore but she does because she’s the Black Widow and she does not shy away from a fight. This isn’t exactly that but it gives her the same rush.

Bruce isn’t as good at playing chicken as she is and after another few heartbeats he straightens up and looks away. The air of confidence and camaraderie is gone and he pushes his glasses up his nose even though they are fine. He excuses himself by stating that he wants to be up early to leave and she doesn’t try to stop him. She makes her own excuses soon after and escapes to her room to ruminate.

 Natasha understands the hate Bruce has and even Tony’s restlessness. She hates the team a bit too. Not the people, the idea of it. She wants to be a hero and her skill set makes her a perfect fit for the team but she can’t ignore how she got it. What it does to her. The thing about having nowhere else to go isn’t exactly true, but she knows by now that trying anything else for longer than a few weeks is like a death sentence.

_“Love is for children.”_

She’d said it to Loki but it wasn’t exactly her own thought. For a long time it felt like it though. Madame B. said it enough. It was a personal mantra of the older woman.

Madame would sometimes stroke Natalia’s hair, even when the girl reached an age when such a thing was ridiculous looking for a normal mother figure to do. Natalia knew she was a favorite with Madame and in the early years she had savored that, wrapping it around her like a blanket to keep her warm at night because the threadbare wool thing they give the girls never can keep the cold out.

Then she learns what such preference means. It means being faster than the other girl, showing her no mercy. Never missing a target or having to be shown a dance move more than once. There will be no complaints, either on her own or someone else’s behalf. The other girls are not to been seen as friends. They are not exactly competition but one might have to break the arm of the girl you sit across at breakfast the very next hour. It is easier not to make friends. Or so Natalia tells herself after having to choose between sleeping inside that night (or the 45 below stone court yard) or blinding Elizaveta in order to escape the stronger girl’s hold and win the match.

Friendship between the younger children wasn’t necessarily discouraged but the girls learn quick enough that it is not something to hold on to.

Sex was just another weapon in the Red Room. Just one more thing they took. Not that Natasha doesn’t get those urges or enjoy it with a partner. She just doesn’t need it as much or as often as society tries to tell her a healthy well adjusted woman of her age does. Then again Natasha isn’t well adjusted.

Most of the male handlers know better than to mess with any of the older girls, not unless they want to risk a crushed windpipe or gelding. The younger girls are thought to be fair game unless they listened at their lessons and little Natalia is always a good listener. The Red Room is not a place of sentiment or romance but things happen and they made them watch that stupid Snow White video a thousand times over so what did they expect?

What happens between Yasha, one of the lower dancing instructors, and Margarita Liminova must have happened before surely. Human nature can be crushed but it’s hard to completely eradicate it.

Margarita is several years older than Natalia and close to graduation. She is the best dancer, even compared to the instructors they have. Her hair is the color of white corn and she is a favorite of Ser F. , which is why Madame B. does not think much of the girl.

“She is flighty. She may not break but she bends too much for my taste,” the older woman says to another handler in Natalia’s hearing. 

Yasha is young and dashing and all the younger girls seem to have a crush on him. Even Natalia has to admit a partiality for the man. His open smile does not annoy her as much as it should.

Some of the younger girls know so of course the handlers hear soon after. Supposedly Margarita was stupid enough to keep a letter from him. The others say she should have burned it but Natalia thinks the little idiot should never have accepted it in the first place. Natalia is only ten years old.

The graduation ceremony is not just the sterile white room. That comes at the end. Some of the less couth handlers call that part a graduation gift. Madame to her credit never did. She always tied that part up together with the other.

At ten Natalia and the others in her age bracket are still mastering knives and the garrote. She will not be allowed to hold a gun in her hand for at least another two years and then the bullets will be blanks for the most part. The girls were not given actual live rounds to shoot with until it is assured they will not turn the weapon on the handlers or themselves. Most are not given real bullets until the actual ceremony.

Like most things that happen in the Red Room there are rumors. It’s harmless gossip for the most part so the handlers don’t discourage it, plus some of the rumors spread about help keep the younger and more rowdy girls in line, even if they’re not true. The bag always remains over the person’s head until after, not that it matters. By then all the girl should see is a  paper target, a mission. Who it is doesn’t really matter. There’s a unbelievable rumor that a girl a few years ahead had to kill a visibly pregnant teenager. Natalia doesn’t believe this one for a second. The targets are most likely just traitors or unfortunates grabbed off the street.

 A girl’s graduation ceremony is supposed to be a private thing. One or three handlers as witnesses and to evaluate and maybe even an official if there is worry that funding will dry up. Margarita Liminova’s ceremony is turned into a show of a different kind. The older girl is set up to fail from the start.

It is not winter, so there is no snow on the ground but there is a chill of another kind through the air, though the trees in the courtyard are ready to start blossoming. All the girls, except for the youngest brackets who are too raucous and green yet, are in the courtyard. Every handler and instructor is there too. Natalia doesn’t think there are any officials or someone would have pointed one out. Ser F. looks almost green one minute then white the next. Natalia briefly wonders if the old man has been reprimanded or is still awaiting punishment. This happened under his watch after all. Then she shakes the thought out of her head. The old man’s fate is of no consequence to her. Neither is Margarita Liminova’s really. This is all just another lesson.

There is no sack over Yasha’s head, but he is gagged. The young man does not look roughed up in anyway, just pale with fear. To his credit he is not whimpering though there are tears in his eyes and Little Natalia’s sharp gaze can see the dampness on the front of his pants. He has already pissed himself.

Madame B. stands directly behind Natalia. When Margarita is given the gun, the woman places a pale hand on Natalia’s bony shoulder and squeezes, as if she worries the girl is not paying attention. How could she not? Natalia knows what will happen to Margarita if the girl doesn’t pull the trigger. It’s the same fate that befalls any other girl who doesn’t complete the ceremony.

Natalia wonders if the bodies will be burned or buried. If the latter, will they let them share the same grave?

But then the lithe blond pulls the trigger. It goes a bit wide that first shot and only grazes the dancing instructor’s shoulder. The next four go dead center into the man’s chest. But Margarita is crying and Natalia thinks there will be a dark hole for her after all.

Later Madame singles Natalia out to serve the older woman tea in her office, a thing she has done before.

“Do you know why you were all shown this?” Madame asks in between sips. “Why I wanted _you_ to see this more than the others?”

_I am made of marble._

This is another of Madame’s mantras and Natalia thinks it but does not speak the words. Madame does not want to end up like Ser F., but then Natalia has never really given her a reason to worry.

“Love is for children,” she says. “I am not a child.”

Madame smiles into her tea cup and Natalia does not show any cracks.

As Natasha lies awake on the supple hotel sheets, feeling a phantom pain in her back and wrists she thinks of Margarita Liminova for the first time in a long time. It had taken Nat almost a lifetime to let herself feel anything close to pity for Margarita. Now Nat can almost empathize with the dead girl. Little Natalia had thought Margarita weak, but Natasha could see that that wasn’t so now. Margarita had broken her programming. Had refused to be just marble to chisel into a weapon. She was a better dancer because the grace she held was for herself and not just a means to an end. Margarita had wanted something outside herself. Something tangible to hold and it had been Yasha. In the world of the Red Room that was a death sentence.

Natasha lives in the real world now, but that fact makes nothing easier. 

The two drinks Stark has her make don’t get him drunk but when he couples them with a bottle of bourbon he gets more sloshed than he would like to admit on the ride back to New York. Bruce is above giving Tony any ‘I told you so’ looks in the quinjet the next morning and in fact is avoiding most conversation and Natasha does likewise. Clint however is not above singing show tunes at the top of his lungs, until even Natasha can’t take it anymore and makes him put a cork in it.


End file.
